Aren’t There Supposed to be Three Musketeers?

The Musketeer

A not-as-popular re-telling of the Three Musketeers story; it focuses primarily on D’Artagnan’s story, even more so than traditional versions. The iconic three musketeers are barely side characters in this tale. It has a decent plot, but it also heavily relies on action and fight scenes. I don’t know most of the actors, though Tim Roth (Emil Blonsky from 2008’s The Incredible Hulk) is the villainous Febre, or “Man in Black.” Rochefort is an entire other character, and very minor [to the point that I didn’t know that was him until reading the credits]. Porthos’s Steve Speirs has had bit parts in other movies I’ve seen.

The movie, like a lot of the ones based on a legend, has an introductory card giving the back story; the English and Spanish are threatening France with war and King Louis XIII is a weak man, easily manipulated by Cardinal Richelieu. The Musketeers oppose the Cardinal. Next, we’re at a country home, a young boy sparring with his father; ’tis young D’Artagnan. A man in black rides in to demand taxes for the church, D’Artagnan’s father has nothing left to give. When D’Artagnan tries to stand up for his father, Febre kicks him. The father goes for his sword, but he’s cut down, as is his wife. D’Artagnan takes up his father’s sword and catches the man across his eye. Near dusk, an older man picks up D’Artagnan, Planchet. He will teach the boy.

Fourteen years later, Planchet and D’Artagnan stop at a tavern. They run into Rochefort (looking far fancier than I have ever seen Rochefort) and trouble. D’Artagnan shows off his skills fighting several guards at the same time; a vastly different fighting style than traditional swashbuckling films – a lot of martial arts mixed in. He and Planchet continue to Paris while Febre stops the Spanish envoy and slaughters them, leaving behind a Musketeer tunic. At the headquarters in Paris, D’Artagnan discovers from Porthos and Aramis that the Musketeers have been suspended, per the Cardinal’s orders and Treville is detained in one of his prisons. Meanwhile, Febre mocks confessing to the Cardinal, who is displeased he continues killing people. He wants political tension, not war. Buckingham is arriving soon and the Cardinal cannot have the king make peace with England. Without killing anyone, Febre is to make the king a fool in front of Buckingham. But, if needs must, Febre may kill.

D’Artagnan finds Bonacieux’s inn and is immediately attracted to the repulsive man’s beautiful niece, Francesca (a change from Constance, who is Bonacieux’s wife in the original text). But the young man also has a mission; he intends to rescue Treville from jail. He runs into Aramis and Porthos on the way and once he’s blown the doors, they do assist in fighting the guards. They all go into hiding together, though the young men go to a local tavern and Porthos introduces D’Artagnan to the rest of the suspended Musketeers. Athos is there (again, the original three are demoted to supporting characters and Athos is barely that).

Back at the inn, D’Artgnan hears creaking in the rafters; Bonacieux is peeping at Francesca bathing. D’Artagnan chases him away, but crashed through the ceiling into the bathing room. He and Francesca have a few tender moments together, Francesca explaining that her mother came with the queen from Spain [does that make Bonacieux her father’s brother? Bonacieux is a very French name; it would not make sense for him to be the brother of Francesca’s mother – though it does explain why she is named Francesca] as her seamstress. When she died, the queen has made an effort to help Francesca when she can.

That evening, at the banquet, the musketeers sneak into the palace as cooks and waiters. The banquet is then attacked by a mob of peasants, it seems. The musketeers sneak the king, queen, and Buckingham out, though not without several duels with very capable d'art and francesca opponents. Guards, disguised as rabble. When D’Artagnan returns to the inn, Francesca stops him and warns him that Rochefort and six of the Cardinal’s guards are in his room. They share a kiss for a moment, and then D’Artagnan gets away from the guards. In D’Artagnan’s room, Bonacieux confronts his niece, warning that they shouldn’t get on the wrong side of the Cardinal. He also wants their relationship to be better, in a disgusting way. She pulls a knife on him and threatens him. He scampers away and she takes a few moments in D’Artagnan’s room, finding an old Musketeer tunic.

D’Artagnan meets the Cardinal, who is very keen on finding out who D’Artagnan is, why he is in Paris and essentially, whose side the boy is on. He makes a pitch to persuade D’Artagnan to his side, but the lad is loyal to the ideals of the Muskteers. Febre emerges from the shadows after D’Artagnan has left. The Cardinal puts the next phase of his plan into action and has the Musketeers arrested (trumped up charges, of course). Treville declares he will no longer hide. Meanwhile, the Cardinal poisons Louis against his queen, having her dismissed from their discussion about Buckingham. So, Francesca asks D’Artagnan for help escorting the queen, in secret. When Athos, Porthos, and Aramis come to D’Artagnan for help freeing the other musketeers, he has to decline.

The small group encounters mercenaries on their ride (some more fight scenes, including D’Artagnan pulling an Indiana Jones stunt, making his way down the underneath of the carriage), but they make it to the home of an old friend of the queen. While Planchet waits for a blacksmith, D’Artagnan takes Francesca on a picnic. He explains that the old Musketeer tunic in his room was his father’s; when he was first taken in by Planchet, all he wanted was revenge, but the old man warned him that a Musketeer stood for higher goals. He gifts Francesca a tiny necklace and they exchange a few more kisses. After, D’Artagnan goes swimming and is in the water when Febre and his men appear. They take Francesca and shoot D’Artagnan after demanding where the queen is. D’Artagnan makes it to shore a little later and has to deal with the two men Febre left. But when he gets back to the house, the queen and Francesca are gone. A little girl holds the information; Febre had threatened to slit her throat to persuade the queen to write a letter to Buckingham. The man in black is holding everyone at Duchamp castle with an army.

D’Artagnan must wrangle together an army of his own. But the Musketeers are not keen to hear him, not after Treville died at the hand of Febre. Febre had come to Treville in his chambers and questioned him about D’Artagnan, both coming to the conclusion that it was Febre who had murdered D’Artagnan’s parents and it was D’Artagnan who had blinded Febre’s one eye. Then Febre burned the building. Febre had then gone to the Cardinal to inform him of the new plan, to kill the queen and Buckingham and thus igniting France and England into war. Louis would be disgraced and Richelieu could take the throne. Febre is mad. It’s said three times; it must be true [he’s more psychopathic, in my opinion]. Rochefort goes after Febre and is quickly killed for his trouble. The Cardinal meets with D’Artagnan in an alley and asks for the lad’s help in putting down his out-of-control monster. D’Artagnan agrees, but not for the Cardinal. When D’Artagnan confronts the Musketeers, they retort that his alliances are skewed, defending the queen rather than the king Disappointed, D’Artagnan leaves his Musketeer tunic, intent on rescuing everyone himself.

He is pleasantly surprised when the whole Musketeer corps comes to his aid outside of Duchamp. he wears his father’s tunic and they ride into battle. Planchet has a cannon hidden in his carriage, which helps break down the door. Now it’s Febre’s men versus the Musketeers. The queen and Francesca drop a bust out their window to show D’Artagnan where they are being held. He climbs up the tower, encountering four guards along with way. When he makes it into the room, Febre is ready to shoot the queen. Francesca steps in front of her, getting hit. But she tells a worried D’Artagnan, “I’m not dead, now will you please go kill him (most awesome line of the movie).” It’s a fierce duel between Febre and D’Artagnan, ending on ladders in a wine barn [not entirely sure what that building is]. As Febre is sliding down a ladder, D’Artagnan stabs him underneath.

D’Artagnan alongside Athos, Aramis, and Porthos are awarded medals by King Louis. France owes them a great debt and Buckingham owes them his life. As the Cardinal blesses D’Artagnan, the young man whispers he will come for the Cardinal, for his actions. Outside, Planchet’s carriage is decorated in flowers and Francesca has a beautiful new gown. When D’Artagnan goes to help her into the carriage, she mutters, “I’m not made of lace,” tripping her husband (I presume they are married now).

After falling in love with BBC’s series The Musketeers, this is a bit of a letdown (never fear, we will be getting to that series). I used to like it for its different fighting, but sometimes now it just makes the movie drag; like, how many crazy stunts can we make the actors do before we get a conclusion. The ending feels rushed. I hate how the original three Musketeers are harshly demoted. I understand this focuses on D’Artagnan, but so does the original and if you’re going to mention some of these other characters, at least do it properly. Why did another bad guy need created? I seriously thought Febre was Rochefort this entire time until I read the cast list. Francesca is a bit of an action girl, which is a redeeming feature for the film and she plays well opposite D’Artagnan. But he seems determined that he is the one to save everyone; he’s the main character to do any serious fighting.

Overall, a bit of a disappointment. I feel that they tried to do too different of a take and lost that swashbuckling quality that we love as a Musketeer film.

Next Time: The Man in the Iron Mask

“Oh don’t be stupid, of course we intend to resist!”

The Three Musketeers

Another all-star cast: Charlie Sheen is Aramis, Kiefer Sutherland is Athos, Chris O’Donnell (he’s the reason I watched NCIS: Los Angeles) is D’Artagnan, Oliver Platt (he’s in the various Chicago TV series) is Porthos, Tim Curry is an exceptional Cardinal Richelieu, Gabrielle Anwar (she’s appeared in Burn Notice and the last season of Once Upon a Time) is Queen Anne, as I’ve already mentioned, Michael Wincott (Guy of Gisborne from Prince of Thieves) is equally exceptional as Rochefort, and Paul McGann (the Eighth Doctor) is Girard [a relatively unimportant character, but my mind was blown when I thought the name was familiar and looked him up]. It is a Disney film, though I don’t think they tend to run it on their channel. Although it is a classic French story, none of the main actors are French, and luckily don’t try to sound it. It was one of the PG movies my mother let my brother and I freely watch (after she watched it the first time). And it is my favorite film version of the Three Musketeers story (I also love BBC’s Musketeers series, which we will get to at the end). I have tried to read Alexandre Dumas’s novel, twice, and gotten about ten pages in. Hopefully I get through it one day.

The first scene is in an underground lake that leads to a prison. Cardinal Richelieu is set up as the villain early on, instructing Rochefort to kill a man who just pled for mercy. A lighter scene is next, D’Artagnan dueling Girard in the country. Girard will avenge his sister’s honor, but makes the mistake of calling D’Artagnan’s father a disgrace to the Musketeers, mocking the young man’s plan to ride to Paris to join the guard’s ranks. Girard’s multiple brothers arrive to help Girard and D’Artagnan rides away, causing a mess of chaos (Girard’s voice gets hilariously high at times in his anger). Later, D’Artagnan sees two women riding, followed by two men. He assumes the women are in trouble, so knocks out the two men. He’s confronted by a gun held by one of the women. D’Artagnan admits he thought the men were bandits. The woman explains they were the queen’s personal bodyguard; meaning the other woman is the queen of France. She asks the young man for his name and his purpose. When D’Artagnan implies he would enjoy seeing the woman again, she states that it is forbidden for ladies in waiting to socialize with Musketeers. As they ride away, she gives D’Artagnan her name, Constance.

Meanwhile, in Paris, the Cardinal has disbanded the Musketeers; Rochefort announces they will have places in the infantry for the coming war with England. The Cardinal’s guards will protect the king now and if even one Musketeer resists, the whole guard will be imprisoned. Rochefort mocks, “all for one, and one for all.” The men remove their blue tunics and toss them into the fire, laying their swords on the ground. However, he has to admit afterwards to the Cardinal that three Musketeers have not turned themselves in. Richelieu is not pleased and orders Rochefort to take care of them, no excuses this time. In a controlled fit of fury, Rochefort slices a candelabra, naming “Athos, Prothos, Aramis” as he pokes the candle pieces apart.

When D’Artagnan arrives at the Musketeer headquarters, he encounters a man examining the burnt remains of the Musketeer banner, who brusquely inform the young man that the guard has been disbanded. D’Artagnan takes offense to the man’s tone and agrees to a duel outside the city walls later that day. D’Artagnan lands in more trouble throughout the morning, knocking into a man as he runs from Girard and his brothers. The man, introducing himself as the famous Porthos claims the sash he wears is a gift from the queen of America. D’Artagnan calls him on his lie and ends up with another duel scheduled. D’Artagnan is then landed on by another man; a priest running from an angry husband (the guard had cause to be angry, the priest was seducing his wife while he was supposed to be tutoring her on religion). The man apologizes, but D’Artagnan does not accept. A third duel.

In the palace, the Cardinal approaches the queen, inquiring of her happiness. He and her father, King Phillip III of Spain had hoped that the arranged marriage between her and Louis XIII would be a good match [Disney, unsurprisingly, got some historical facts mixed up. While Louis’s queen was known as Anne of Austria, she was indeed Spanish. Her mother was Margaret of Austria, no doubt how Anne received the title. So, when the Cardinal states “Austria’s loss is France’s gain” he’s wrong.] Anne admits that she and Louis have been distant since their wedding (which is historically true…just wait for Musketeers). Louis enters to speak with Richelieu; he’s displeased with the Cardinal’s timing of the Musketeers’ dismissal; those men were his friends and the king wanted to speak to them. He will judge what is best for himself and for France, standing up to the Cardinal. Afterwards, the Cardinal remarks to Rochefort that the boy is becoming as troublesome as his father; the Cardinal wishes to set himself on the throne.

The final three musketeers are waiting in a tavern for the Cardinal’s guards. Well, Porthos is waiting in the rafters to bring the house down. He misses Rochefort, whom they have not seen since he was drummed out of the Musketeers for conduct unbecoming a Musketeer. They should know the charges; they spoke against Rochefort. Athos informs Rochefort, who is to inform the Cardinal, they will continue their duty to 1993 duels protect the king. Outmanned, Rochefort must let the three men leave. They meet with D’Artagnan outside the walls for their scheduled duels, revealing to the lad that they are all Musketeers. He will keep his word to fight them, but it will bring him no pleasure to kill them. Their duel is interrupted by the Cardinal’s guards again. D’Artagnan insists on joining their fight, making it a more even four against five. A rather fantastic fight sequence plays out, each Musketeer dispatching their guard (or two in the case of Aramis). D’Artagnan’s fight leads him to the top of the wall, which the guard eventually falls off. Still a devout man, Aramis administers last rights to the deceased; Athos quietly tells D’Artagnan that he was once one of the Cardinal’s students. Porthos cheerfully states, “you boy, are arrogant, hot tempered, and entirely too bold [he’s not wrong]. I like that, reminds me of me.” Aramis admonishes his friend, “don’t encourage him,” for he’s now made an enemy of Rochefort and the Cardinal. Rochefort appears after the three Musketeers ride away. D’Artagnan gets it in his head to ride at the man in black (like a joust), shouting “long live the Musketeers!” Rochefort knocks the boy off and another guard finishes knocking him out.

D’Artagnan wakes in a cell. Rochefort, holding D’Artagnan’s sword, which in turn was the lad’s father’s, demands to know where the other three Musketeers are. D’Artagnan doesn’t know, and even if he did, he wouldn’t tell the man. After Rochefort leaves, D’Artagnan sneaks out. He spots a cloaked figure who enters a room to speak to Richelieu. He never sees the figure direct, but we find out that it’s Milady de Winter, plotting with Richelieu. Well, they plot after Richelieu demonstrates that he is not a chaste cardinal and the reason why Milady’s previous husbands end up dead. Richelieu is planning a treaty with Buckingham which will put him on the throne. Milady is to take the treaty to England to obtain Buckingham’s signature. After Milady departs, Rochefort catches D’Artagnan listening. It comes out that D’Artagnan’s father was indeed a Musketeer, he died protecting the king, Louis’s father. Louis XII was then assassinated. Richelieu recognized the name and Rochefort minutely gestured to his patched eye; meaning that D’Artagnan’s father was the one who damaged it. Richelieu further mocks, that like the Knights of the Round Table, the Musketeers have outlive their usefulness.

The next morning, D’Artagnan is taken to be executed. Girard in the crowd gleefully calls out “don’t lose your head!” But the lad is pleasantly surprised when one hooded man finishes his prayer with “all for one, and one for all (Aramis).” The executioner then informs him that the axe was a gift from the tsarina of Tokyo (Porthos) [he’s mixing his countries again, a tsarina would be in Russia, not Japan; but it’s played for humor, so we’ll allow it.] They then attack the guards, freeing D’Artagnan and join with Athos who has stolen the Cardinal’s carriage. Richelieu puts a bounty on their heads as they careen out of Paris; he’s prefer them dead. “All for one, and more for me.” Porthos enjoys raiding the Cardinal’s snacks and offers Athos wine, something red for a chase. He remarks to D’Artagnan who takes the reins so Athos can drink, “you can’t have any, you’re too young.” (My brother’s and my favorite line of the movie). D’Artagnan passes along the information he overheard about the Cardinal’s treaty with Buckingham; the man rules England the way the Cardinal rules France. If the Musketeers can get the treaty, they can prove Richelieu guilty of treason. When the Cardinal’s guards come after them, they ride into a military camp, unhitch the horses, and light the carriage on fire, sending it towards their pursuers.

They take shelter further away in a tavern. Porthos and Aramis intend to educate D’Artagnan on the fine art of wenching, if he is to become a true Musketeer. Porthos’s advice is to focus on the kiss; Aramis recommends poetry. D’Artagnan fails at the poetry, so goes for the kiss. Athos much rather drink himself into a stupor (a little confusing after Porthos just mentioned that D’Artagnan is too young). D’Artagnan joins him and when he proposes a drink to love, Athos bitterly recounts a story of a count who married a beautiful woman, only to discover later that she was branded with the mark of a murderer, the fleur-de-lis. He banished his wife and ordered her executed. Afterwards, the count realized how much he had loved her and in despair, gave up his land, his title, his position.

The bounty hunters catch up to the Musketeers the next morning, forcing them to split up. D’Artagnan rides with Athos; Porthos with Aramis. In a quiet moment, Athos comments that he knew D’Artagnan’s father by reputation. He died as a result of a trap laid by another Musketeer, essentially murdered. But their tail catches up and Porthos orders D’Artagnan to continue to Calais. On the road, D’Artagnan passes out from a injury that he must not have realized he obtained. Milady is the one to find him and takes him to her chamber. He wakes up only in his breeches (and the camera likes to focus on Milady’s assets when it has the chance). Trying to either impress her or garner belief, he states that he is a Musketeer on a mission to intercept the spy. Considering she is the spy, Milady de Winter knows she has to take this young man out. She kisses him and pulls out a hairpin. In the brief struggle that follows, she is revealed to bear the fleur-de-lis mark. Her guards help knock D’Artagnan out and they don’t have time to properly kill him, so they must take him with them.

Meanwhile, in the palace, the Cardinal enters the queen’s bathing chambers, after the queen had been discussing love with Constance. He is a lecherous man and the queen is properly wary. The king has even heard rumors of Richelieu’s behavior, but the Cardinal passes it off, adding that there are rumors that he makes pigs fly along with plotting against the king and visiting the queen in her chambers.

Porthos and Aramis have reached the ship ahead of D’Artagnan and Milady and managed to kill the crew and scare off the men accompanying Milady. When Milady tries to flee, she’s stopped by Athos. This was his former wife; she’s alive because the Cardinal took pity on her. Athos can’t bring himself to shoot her, but the family of her last husband is more than glad to have her arrested and arrange for an execution. The following morning, Athos stops the execution and begs for Milady’s forgiveness. She gives it, and a small kiss, then whispers the Cardinal’s plan in Athos’s ear. She turns and jumps off the cliff they’re on, still paying for her crimes. The quartet ride back to Paris, firing arrows containing the message “All for One, One for All.” Other men, presumably Musketeers, uncover their hidden tunics and swords.

The day of the king’s birthday celebration dawns; our heroes sneak in to the palace grounds, searching for the assassin Milady told him about. He’s perched high on the roof, spotted by D’Artagnan who races up to him. The king and queen admit softly to each other they’re scared of the Cardinal. As they’re waving to the people, a shot is fired, but knocked off target by D’Artagnan tackling the assassin. Richelieu is quick to blame Athos, Porthos, and Aramis, who have revealed their tunic. As the Cardinal’s guards race to action, other men come out of the crowd and reveal their Musketeer tunics. Athos orders, “save the king!” and the fight has begun. D’Artagnan struggles against the assassin until Porthos shoots a crossbow bolt.

Inside, the Cardinal reveals his plan; Rochefort will kill the king using a Musketeer’s sword, the same sword that failed to protect the king’s father (D’Artagnan’s sword). To comfort the grief-stricken country, Richelieu will assume the throne, with a queen by his side. The queen would rather die. “That can be arranged!” At that point, the fight spills inside. Athos takes on Rochefort and the Cardinal has the king and queen led away. Aramis stands in front of them, intent on arresting the Cardinal. The Cardinal shoots him, witnessed by Porthos, who also sees the Cardinal and his hostages go down a secret passage. Rochefort stabs Athos in the arm, causing the Musketeer to switch dueling hands. He manages quite well, but gratefully lets D’Artagnan take over. He and Porthos check on Aramis to find that his cross stopped the bullet. All three venture down the passage, but have to split up once they’re underground.

D’Artagnan takes his sword back and continues the duel with Rochefort. Rochefort divulges that he killed D’Artagnan’s father. D’Artagnan loses the sword for a moment, but continues to dodge Rochefort’s attack. In the end, Constance gets the sword to D’Artagnan as Rochefort goes for the kill. Instead, it’s Rochefort who’s stabbed.

Porthos encounters a very creepy guard, but manages to dodge him and the guard stumbles into spikes [I hated that part of the movie, I still turn away ’cause it’s creepy.] Athos fights the guards, later joined by Porthos, but the Cardinal and the king and queen manage to get on a boat. The Cardinal shouts that they’re still too late, by now Buckingham has signed the treaty and the alliance is complete. “That would be difficult, considering the treaty never left France!” Athos corrects. A minor setback; the Cardinal will return stronger than ever. Aramis flings off the cloak and quickly dispatches the guards. The king has Aramis pause before he takes on the Cardinal. Louis punches Richelieu instead.

Afterwards, there is a ceremony, the king thanks the three Musketeers and D’Artagnan and commissions the young man into his guard. D’Artagnan takes a moment to kiss Constance. Outside the palace, he quickly joins his mentors. Now what? They protect the king and queen, in the name of God and France. Girard reappears, ready to fight D’Artagnan again. The Musketeers also protect each other. “All for one, and one for all.” Girard screams and flees as the entire corps of Musketeers give chase.

As with Prince of Thieves, there’s a pop love song, All For Love, ironically enough sung by Bryan Adams (and Sting), who did the song for the former movie.

I love Tim Curry in this movie; he’s unapologetically a villain; he seems to enjoy it. Calm and cool one moment, but brief outbursts show he’s not a man to be trifled with. Michael Wincott shines a bit more in this film, not overshadowed by Alan Rickman. The primary Musketeer is D’Artagnan, but the others get their moments to shine. The action is fantastic. This is why I like sword fights, or at least, how I got interested in them. The king and queen have at least some backbone. The story is nicely developed, characters are well developed. Well, Constance is only there as a token love interest, but she at least holds a pistol and gives D’Artagnan his sword. Just an overall good movie.

Next Time: The Musketeer

“We’re in a Hurry Boys, We’ve Got a Long Way to Go”

Robin Hood

It has a cast and a half! Russell Crowe is Robin Longstride, Cate Blanchett is Marion, Max von Sydow (who has a filmography going back to the 50s) is Sir Walter Loxley, William Hurt (currently General Ross in the MCU) is William Marshal, Mark Strong (villainous Lord Henry Blackwood in the first Robert Downey Jr. Sherlock Holmes film) is villainous again as Godfrey, great British actress Eileen Atkins is Eleanor of Aquitaine, Mark Addy (Roland in Knight’s Tale and he appears in Game of Thrones) is Friar Tuck, and Matthew Macfadyen (Mr. Darcy in 2005’s Pride and Prejudice) is the Sheriff of Nottingham. This 2010 film was directed by Ridley Scott, the same man who brought us Gladiator, Black Hawk Down, and Kingdom of Heaven and provides an origin story for the hero. My family and I prefer this version as it attempts to show the history of the time period better (Hollywood still gets some facts wrong, but that surprises nobody). I watched the Director’s Cut for this viewing.

The film, set in 1192 opens with script stating “In times of tyranny and injustice when law oppresses the people, the outlaw takes his place in history. England at the turn of the 12th century was such a time.” We’re next in a forest where masked children sneak into Nottingham in the middle of the night to steal their grain. A woman, Marion, wakes the household to see about the ruckus. Back to the lettering: “King Richard the Lion Heart, bankrupt of wealth and glory is plundering his way back to England after ten years on his Crusade.” [Question from a historian: Since Richard prefered Normandy, a vassal state of France, why would he be plundering France?] Continuing: “In his army is an archer named Robin Longstride. This is the story of his return home where, for defending the weak against the strong, he will be condemned to live outside the law.”

We’re introduced to Robin and his men and their work as archers. Richard walks about camp that evening with his friend Robert of Loxley to find an honest Englishman. He finds Robin fighting Little John and asks Robin will God be pleased with his sacrifice? No. They are godless men after the massacre at Acre. Richard appreciates his honesty, but still puts him in the stocks. During battle the next day, Richard is killed by a lucky shot to the neck (that is historically accurate to a point). Robin and his crew break out of their stocks, before the rest of the army figures out what’s happening, giving them a head start to get passage back to England. They don’t owe god or man service, they make their own fates now.

Meanwhile, in England, Eleanor needs to have a discussion with her son, John. He has put aside his English bride and intends to marry Isabella of Angoulême, the niece of King Phillip of France. Oh yes, she has this conversation after she walks in on them naked in bed. Eleanor of Aquitaine was awesome like that. John needs to put aside the French pastry (as Eleanor refers to Isabella), take up his lawful wife and save England. Phillip is looking for any reason to invade England. John argues with his mother that his first wife, Isabel of Gloucester is barren; he will seek an annulment from the Pope [historically, he did and it was granted. He did marry Isabella, but kidnapped her and war was declared against Phillip, but in 1202]. Eleanor had gifted her husband Henry II with eight sons, but only two remain; Richard and John, the runt of the litter. Richard is now forty and has no legitimate children. Isabella, John argues, is a queen in the making, his own Eleanor. [Eleanor of Aquitaine brought a lot of land as her dowry to her marriage to Henry II. Hence how they had control of land in France.]

But while the royal family is bickering, King Phillip of France is making a deal with Godfrey, John’s oldest friend, to make England ripe for invasion. Kill King Richard and turn the country against John; there will be no better time to invade. Phillip will richly reward Godfrey. (Hollywood is playing a little loose with history) Godfrey and his men ambush the knights escorting Richard’s crown back to England, including Robert of Loxley; one part of the French plan is already accomplished. The knights are slaughtered, Godfrey killing Robert. The horse carrying Richard’s crown bolts and comes upon Robin and his men. They find the ambush site and chase off Godfrey and his men. Robin catches Godfrey on the side of his face with an arrow. Afterwards, Robin goes to Robert. Robert asks him to return his sword to his father, Sir Walter of Loxely; he had taken it in anger and without permission. Robin promises then gets an idea. The crown still needs delivered and it could be their ticket home to England; all the trappings they need to pass as knights are about them. They arrive in England as wealthy men; Fate has smiled upon them at last.

Things are not well in Loxley’s Nottingham. The children had stolen the grain needed for planting and the church will not part with its share; it’s bound for York. The Sheriff of Nottingham visits Marion, inquiring about taxes to the crown. She has the ability to change her status; marry the Sheriff and she’ll have protection. Sir Walter has no heirs beyond Robert, who has been gone ten years to the Crusades and may already be dead and he and Marion have no children. Nottingham will pass to the crown and Marion will be destitute. Marion, a spirited woman, refuses.

At the boat bound for England, Robin takes Robert of Loxley’s name. His lads pass a merry night drinking and singing Row Me Bully Boys. Robin unwraps the hilt of Robert’s sword, revealing the phrase “Rise and Rise Again, Until Lambs Become Lions.” He has a flashback to his past; he had told Robert that his father abandoned him at the age of six. When they dock in London (not Robin’s original plan; he did not want to have to face the dowager queen), Robin, as Robert Loxley, presents the crown to Eleanor. She then crowns John as the new king of England. John goes to reward Robin, but recalls that Nottingham owes taxes to the crown. The reward will go towards that. Advisor to the king, William Marshal approaches Robin after the impromptu coronation; he is friends with Sir Walter. He may have need of the man soon and will visit. Godfrey is in the background, watching. John cheerfully greets him and Godfrey orders his man, Belvedere to get rid of Robin (he knows him as the man who ambushed his ambush).

A few extended scenes for the Director’s Cut show more of the boys of Sherwood forest. Marion recognizes them from her village, and the boys also sneak up on Robin and his men, intent on stealing their gold. That wakes Robin in time to hear Belvedere’s approach.

John argues with William Marshal on taxing the northern barons. He feels that the barons are hoarding their wealth. Marshal and Eleanor argue that the country is under enough strain from funding the Crusades. John’s retort is those were his brother’s problems; he is the new king, those problems are over (not really). John dismisses Marshal, gives his station to Godfrey and allows Godfrey to go north and harass the barons. Pay, or die (that was Godfrey’s idea).

Robin and his men arrive in Nottingham; Robin keeps trying to get his men to leave, it’s not their duty and they would be safer split up. The men stay with Friar Tuck, who offers them mead from his bees, while Robin rides up to the manor. He first meets Marion helping the servants with a horse. She agrees to take him to Walter where both Loxleys learn that Robert is dead. Walter invites Robin to dinner, but first he needs a bath. Marion ends up helping him out of his chainmail (that is why knights had squires). Over dinner, Walter has a proposal for Robin; the man gives the old blind man his time, and in return, Walter will give Robin the sword. But, he must also agree to pass himself off as Walter’s son, and thus, Marion’s husband. Walter knows something about Robin’s past; he recognized the name ‘Longstride;’ called it a common, but noble Saxon name.

russell and cate robin hood

The men really enjoyed Tuck’s mead and celebrate in a local pub [I like the music being played]. Marion is not pleased to have to pretend that Robin is her husband. She has him lie in front of the fire, on the floor, and warns him she sleeps with a dagger. In the morning, she is to reacquaint her ‘husband’ with the village. His men are formally introduced; Little John, Welsh Will Scarlett (though he sounds Irish, further, the actor, Scott Grimes, is American), and Allan A’Dayle (played by Alan Doyle, lead singer for the Canadian group Great Big Sea [they play some Irish drinking songs]). Robin fills them in that he is currently Marion’s husband and continues to use Robert Loxley’s identity. Robin also discusses the grain situation with Friar Tuck, threatening to tell the higher-ups in the church about Tuck’s bees, so they too can partake in its bounty. Tuck knows the grain should stay in Nottingham, quietly putting the question to Robin, “what if the grain didn’t make it to York?” That evening, Robin wakes his men; they had their chance to leave, they’re still here, they have work to do. They ambush the men taking the grain. When demanded who they are, Robin replies “we are men of the hood, merry now at your expense.” [There’s cheery music played in the background.] Friar Tuck suggests they plant the grain under the moonlight. That way, when it sprouts, he can claim it was a miracle; the church will not argue with a miracle. Marion is shocked to find out that the fields have been planted. That’s all Robin says.

But more trouble is coming; the French have landed in England. A spy for Marshal gets word to him. The French force attacks Godfrey’s English escort, taking their places. They attack the northern estates; Godfrey declaring to the barons, “pay, or burn.” The barons argue they have paid enough, for Richard and his war, they have nothing left to give. These taxes are for King John, Godfrey states. John is not their king, is the reply. The men attack the church in York (that’s when you know you’re dealing with ruthless murderers). A map burns in the background, spreading through the northern lands. Belvedere rides ahead to their next stop, Nottingham, to speak with the Sheriff. The Sheriff is Godfrey’s man, but warns that there will be trouble from Loxley; the Crusader son, Robert has returned. Belvedere knows that Robert is dead. He spots Robin and reports back to Godfrey. Nottingham is to burn. Godfrey sends word to Phillip that the time has come for the invasion.

William Marshal meets with Eleanor; the crown is in peril. Godfrey is plotting with Phillip. The northern barons will declare war on the crown due to Godfrey’s actions, and that will leave England open for invasion. But Eleanor cannot speak to John; he will not listen. She goes to Isabella, she is the only one John will listen to. If she wishes to be queen, she must save John and England. Isabella tells John of Godfrey’s betrayal; John is understandably upset. He declares it must be lies, but Isabella holds a dagger to her chest, swearing it is true. John next rides to Marshal, but whines that Marshal abandoned him. He also doesn’t listen to reason when Marshal counsels that the barons need to unite for the defense of England. John would rather meet them on the field of battle for daring to rise up against him.

Robin and Marion grow closer. He spots her in the forest (in an extended scene) tending to the Sherwood boys. He offers to teach them, how to fight, how to make proper bows and weapons. He is not the enemy. The evening after the planting, the village gathers for a celebration; they have hope again. Marshal arrives to see Walter (another extended scene), asking for help persuading the barons to stand with John against the French. Meanwhile, Walter informs Marshal that Robin’s surname is Longstride. Marshal speaks to Robin and says he knew Robin as a boy. When he and Walter returned from the Holy Land, they went to retrieve Robin, but he was gone. Later that night, Walter tells Robin his history. Robin’s father was a stone mason, and a visionary. He had the idea that a king needs his subjects, as much as subjects need a king. It was Robin’s father who brought about the phrase “Rise and Rise Again, Until Lambs Become Lions.” The grand idea was to give rights to all ranks; he drew thousands to his cause. A charter was created, and signed by many of the barons, including William Marshal and Walter Loxley. Robin’s father refused to give up the charter and names to the king’s guards; he was executed. And Robin was there. At Walter’s coaxing, older Robin remembers the events.

– This is why I don’t quite fully understand the added scene a few minutes before, of Marshal telling Robin they had come to fetch him home. It appears to be Loxley and Marshal who carry young Robin away from his father’s death. Does the added scene mean that afterwards, they had gone on an earlier Crusade and when they had returned, Robin had already run off?

The next morning, Walter shows Robin his copy of the original charter, but they’re interrupted with news that the barons have amassed an army in Barnsdale to kill John. Marshal requires Walter’s help. Walter sends Robin, like a father would send a son. Robin and his men ride to Barnsdale and we see the same Celtic cross that was in Robin’s memory. He removes a stone to reveal his father’s phrase, and his small handprint alongside his father’s. Barnsdale was where he was born. Marshal and the barons are arguing, Marshal still insisting that the barons unite with John to repel the French. John arrives and the argument continues. The barons insist they will be subject only to the laws they have a hand in making. John’s argument is that a king does not bargain for the loyalty he is owed by every man. Without loyalty, there is no kingdom. Robin chimes in, stating he speaks for Walter Loxley. The laws of this land enslave the people to their king. A king who demands their loyalty and offers nothing in return. But, if the king were to empower every man, the king would gain strength. Robin calls again for justice, for a charter of liberties; liberty by law. This will earn John the loyalty, and love, of his people. Marshal urges his king that this is his chance to unify his subjects. John gives his word that a charter will be written. [This argument is really the basis of the Magna Carta, which wasn’t written until 1215.]

They receive word that Godfrey has attacked Nottingham. Marshal and the king go to the French landing; Robin and a few other barons will catch up once they’ve settled matters in Nottingham. Godfrey’s men slaughter the people of Nottingham and demand taxes. Belvedere locks Marion away, fully intending to rape her. She uses her dagger to stab him. The boys of Sherwood come to the rescue of the village, helping Marion unlock the barn the French had shoved the villagers into, intent on burning it to the ground with everyone inside. The French even burn the Sheriff’s home, despite him being Godfrey’s man. Walter comes out and fights Godfrey, incensed when the man admits he killed Robert. Robin and a portion of the army ride in to settle everything. Robin wrangles the location of Phillip’s landing out of an officer. Then finds out that Walter is dead. After the funeral, Robin must ride with the army. He parts with Marion, who has already said goodbye to one man riding to war, saying he loves her, and kisses her.

The French landing craft look an awful lot like the landing craft used by the Allies during World War II at the Normandy landing. Robin and Marshal help the king direct the archers to the cliff, the cavalry to the beach. John is eager for his first battle. He refuses to stay behind the army; it was never close enough for Richard. Well, look what happened to Richard, Marshal points out, but John still rides ahead. Marion, dressed as a knight, arrives with the boys of Sherwood. Robin’s not pleased that she’s come, but directs her to join the rest of the cavalry. After several volleys of arrows, the cavalry charge. Phillip notes that this does not look like a country at war with itself. Marion goes after Godfrey for Walter’s death, but she’s no match. Robin takes up the fight (while Marion was knocked into the water and the unfamiliar weight of the chainmail keeps her from rising and in danger of drowning). When Robin ends up between two boats, Godfrey takes off on his horse. Robin emerges from the water, grabs his bow, and nails Godfrey in the throat. The French yield, to Robin Longstride (how and when they found out his name, I’m not sure), not to John.

The day John is due to sign the charter, he changes his mind. “I did not make myself king, king john outlaw God did. King by divine right.” [Historically, yes, this was a common notion, but it didn’t really become a major political theory until the seventeenth-century]. This document before him seeks “to limit the authority given to me by God.” He burns the charter amidst the barons protests. He then charges Robin Longstride of theft and incitement to cause unrest. The man pretended to be a knight, a crime punishable by death. John declares Robin and “Outlaw!” (he gets really angry on that word). In Nottingham, the Sheriff reads the decree and an arrow is shot to hold the paper when he asks for a nail. Robin of the Hood now dwells in Sherwood alongside Marion, his men, and the boys. The film closes with the script, “and so the legend begins.”

So, the story of this film manages to explain why Robin Hood was both gifted at archery and a noble [nobles were typically more skilled at sword fighting, since they had the money for a steel weapon, than archery, a poor man’s weapon]. It shows how Robin ended up in Sherwood forest and had so many followers. It works in his conflict with the Sheriff and John. John was definitely more accurate and played a bigger role in this film; which I can appreciate as a historian. He lived in his brother’s shadow for years. He’s not a buffoon; neither he nor the Sheriff are evil for the sake of being evil, they have a reason. Godfrey, as some fans have pointed out, ended up incredibly powerful on his own in England, why did he need to ally with France? My guess, maybe he just didn’t like John and finally figured out how to get rid of him without having the blame cast on him. Didn’t work out so well.

Marion is not related to royalty in this story, which actually makes more sense; that was always one of those dangling plot points in typical Robin Hood legends. Like, why was she a royal ward, or how was she related to King Richard? It gave a more believable relationship growth between Marion and Robin, rather than she falls in love with him in like a day (looking at you, Errol Flynn, Prince of Thieves, and Men in Tights). It’s a grittier story, like a lot of Ridley Scott films, most certainly not a happy romp through the forest. We didn’t get a lot of back story on Alan A’Dayle, Will Scarlett, or Little John; but they weren’t the focus. I appreciated the inclusion of Eleanor of Aquitaine and other historical supporting members. I’m not as keen on the whole subplot of the charter of rights, since that didn’t happen until later, but again, Hollywood is not known for its historical accuracy. It gives Robin something else to fight for, yes, and a reason for Prince John personally to be set against him (because typically, why would the ruler of the entire country be worried about one thief in a forest?)

The action is great, the costumes are wonderfully accurate, I like parts of the soundtrack. Overall, this is my favorite Robin Hood movie.

Who is your favorite Robin or other character? Do you like a happy tale or a gritty tale?

Up Next: To France for Alexander Dumas’ tale The Three Musketeers

(No, I’m not doing the most recent rendition. Two reasons: one, not on DVD yet for me to be able to pause or anything, and I haven’t seen it. Two: it’s like the most recent King Arthur movie, which is just a way to get people piqued enough to watch an action movie. Just make the action movie and leave historical characters out of it. They were not all secret assassins or whatever you’re trying to do.)

“Always On Guard, Defending the People’s Rights”

Robin Hood: Men in Tights

Another of Mel Brooks’ spoofs (like Spaceballs was of Star Wars). Stars Cary Elwes (most famous for Princess Bride, but I also knew him from Lady Jane [he plays Guilford Dudley, husband to Lady Jane Grey, the nine days’ Queen of England between young Edward VI and Mary I]; and Elwes later plays the conniving villain in Ella Enchanted) as Robin, a whole bunch of actors that I should know, but don’t. I do know that Eric Allan Kramer, Little John, goes on to play the dad in Disney Channel’s Good Luck Charlie. It took me a while to accept to watch this movie originally; I’m not that big into parodies. But now I watch it and chuckle.

The film opens with flaming arrows, recalling the flaming arrows from Prince of Thieves. Except now we see the other side; the village that gets burned. The brief intro and back story are given by Merry Men rappers, interspersed with “hey nonny nonny,” (an Elizabethan expression). Similar to Prince of Thieves, we next see a prison in the Holy Land, that they try to run like a hotel. Robin quickly escapes, this time with everyone. His compatriot, Asneeze, asks Robin to look after his son, Achoo, an exchange student in England. Robin kisses the shores of England (again, a call to Prince of Thieves), though there’s a Hollywood-like “England” sign (and Rule Britannia playing). He obtains a horse (muttering “my kingdom for a horse,” a line from Shakespeare) and is now in familiar brown and green garb, including tights; an homage to Errol Flynn’s costume. He comes upon a young lad being beaten by guards and figures it’s Achoo. He unleashes several arrows tied together to chase the guards away.

They walk to Loxley Hall, only to find that it’s being carted away. Robin’s blind servant, Blinkin (again, taken from Prince of Thieves), informs Robin that his entire family, including pets, are dead. But they left him “the key to the greatest treasure in the land,” worn on a cord around the neck. The trio next encounter the Sheriff of Rottingham, who speaks out of order when he gets flustered. It’s rather hilarious. Robin soundly sends Rottingham on his way.

Marian sings a song of finding her true love (well, at least she’s honest about what role she plays in the story). She wears an Everlast chastity belt and is overseen by Broomhilda. Prince John does appear in this film; he and Rottingham interact like John and Gisborne did in Errol Flynn’s film. Mortiana is now Latrine, not quite as creepy; she lusts after Rottinghamn, instead of serving him.

Little John and Robin indeed fight on a bridge (though as Achoo points out, the stream is barely a trickle; they could simply walk across). The staves get shorter and shorter as they keep breaking them, until they’re hitting each other’s knuckles. Robin wins. He then meets Will Scarlett…O’Hara, who’s from Georgia; this was preceded by a joke between Blinklin and Achoo, over the misinterpretation of “Hey Blinklin,” as “Abe Lincoln.” Robin crashes the Prince’s party alone and that scene is a strong takeoff of Errol Flynn’s portrayal: bringing in a wild beast for the feast, charming John and Marian. Why should the people of England listen to Robin to revolt against John? “Because, unlike some other Robin Hoods, I can speak with an English accent.” This is calling out Kevin Costner for not having an English accent in Prince of Thieves. It’s been said that he tried, but it came out really bad. Also, I certainly hope Elwes can speak with an English accent; he is English! Rottingham really gets his words mixed up when Marian likes Robin’s flirtations. He challenges Robin to a duel, just them, and Rottingham’s guards. They all line up, knights in armor. Robin swings into one and they go down like dominos. He and his men escape and rally the villagers in Sherwood forest, Robin parodying Winston Churchill speeches from the second World War. They get their uniform: green tights, brown tops, and pointy hats.

The Sheriff asks for help to get rid of Robin. I’m sure it’s a play on the Godfather; not my favorite part; it’s different, it’s funny (I guess), but it comes across like Rottingham and Prince John can’t come up with the idea on their own. Marian overhears the plot and rides to warn Robin. His Merry Men just finished singing about their tights (it is a rather hilarious ditty). He does not really promise to not attend the archery tournament, but he steps away with Marian for some romancing. There’s an overdone song (if it wasn’t obvious, neither Marian nor Robin do their own singing. They hired professional singers). Broomhilde still interferes with them kissing and the ladies return to the castle. The next day, his loyal followers wear dresses to sneak in while Robin wears an obvious disguise, looking like Mark Twain (all these calls to the future…this is why I don’t watch parody movies).

Shock of shocks, Robin loses the archery tournament! Wait, breaking the fourth wall, pull out the scripts. He’s in luck, he gets another shot! This time, he pulls out the big arrow, the Patriot Arrow (based off the Patriot Missle), it pulls some physics-defying stunts and he wins! Rottingham captures him, but Marian offers herself as Rottingham’s wife if he spares Robin. As John states, there will either be a wedding or a hanging.

Robin is strung up, ready for the hangman. Rottingham has the alter set next to the gallows, so Marian will be less inclined to change her mind. There’ a “Hey Abbot!” joke [I have never seen that show, but I know of it] along with historically inaccurate organ and Mendelssohn’s Wedding March [again, this is why I don’t watch parodies]. Rottingham’s first name is Mervin, poor sap. Achoos shoots through Robin’s rope just as Marian has to vow to obey Rottingham. Well, Rottingham will have her, whether they’re married or not. He carries her off and Robin gives chase, rather like Prince of Thieves. “Prepare for the fight scene,” Robin declares; and it turns out rather good. Cary Elwes does have experience fencing from his time in Princess Bride. A little break for shadow puppets and the cord around his neck is cut, releasing the key that fits perfectly into Marian’s chastity belt. Robin unknowingly stabs Rottingham, but Latrine to the rescue, if Rottingham promises to marry her instead. He agrees, then changes his mind when she drags him off.

Outside, Robin prepares to marry Marian, since Broomhilde insisted. Rabbi Tuckman, a play on Friar Tuck, and portrayed by Mel Brooks himself, performs a very short ceremony, but he’s interrupted by a Scottish voice. Sir Patrick Stewart cameos as King Richard, like Sir Sean Connery did in Prince of Thieves, hence the Scottish accent. A few things he has to take care of; John has surrounded his name with a foul stench and thus, all the toilets in the land will now be called “johns.” He knights Robin. Then, it is his royal right to kiss the bride. As Rabbi Tuckman mutters, it’s good to be king. Robin and Marian are wed and happily ever after! (Though they have a bit of difficulty with the key their wedding night.)

Overall: the “Men in Tights” song is funny, I like the dig at Costner for not having an English accent, the sword fighting sequences are good. But, if I’m going to sit down and watch a Robin Hood movie; and I actually want a plot and drama and a story, it won’t be this one. The bad guys are complete idiots (and if they’re bad guys worthy of the caliber of intelligent heroes, they have to have some brains). Marian is simply the swooning damsel in distress. I understand the film is wholly comedic and I also know that I don’t tend to get humor. I’m more of a fan of snark and sarcasm and witty banter. Give me best friends bickering and I chuckle.

So, what is your opinion of parody films? Love ’em, hate ’em?

Next Time: Princess of Theives

“Why a Spoon?”

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

A 90s action take on the Robin Hood legend, it was a favorite in my house until the Russell Crowe version came out. It features an all-star cast, headed up by Kevin Costner (decorated for Dances with Wolves – have not seen) as Robin, Alan Rickman is his equal as the Sheriff of Nottingham, Morgan Freeman as Azeem, Christian Slater is Will Scarlett, Brian Blessed as Lord Locksley, Michael Wincott (he’ll later show up as Rochefort in Three Musketeers) as Guy of Gisborne, and Michael McShane (I recognize him as funny Professor Keenbean from the Richie Rich movies) as Friar Tuck. The theme from the film is now used by Disney promotions on their DVDs (no, this is not a Disney film).

The background to the opening credits is the Bayeux tapestry, an embroidered cloth that depicts the Norman conquest. This rendition is set in 1194 and starts in a prison in Jerusalem. English war prisoners are tortured and the guard turns to another man, claiming he stole something, of which the punishment is to lose a hand. Another prisoner speaks up to spare the man, but they’re both unchained. He does not flinch from the sword, displaying “English courage.” At the last minute, he pulls back, causing the guard to lose his hand. He fights his way out, aided by a Moorish prisoner. The three make it out, but the leader’s friend is killed topside. With his dying breath Peter requests his ring be taken back to his sister and the man is to promise to protect her. The two men left introduce themselves as Azeem, the Moor, and Robin of Locksley. Since Robin saved his life, Azeem will follow him until the debt is repaid.

Back in England, Lord Locksley is writing a letter to find out what has befallen his son in the Holy Land. He’s interrupted by his servant Duncan and another man who says that his family is in danger. The Lord rides out, to find a crew of men in white cloaks (who look disturbingly like the KKK) waiting for him. They’re headed by the Sheriff who gives Locksley the choice, join us, or die. Locksley declares “never” and rides to meet them.

Four months later, Robin and Azeem land on English shores at the White Cliffs of Dover. Robin is so pleased to be home, he kisses to ground. He keeps trying to send Azeem home, but the Moor is determined to fulfill his oath. Azeem is an educated and wise man; he stays a few steps behind Robin, stating it is safer to appear his slave in this land than his equal. He maintains his prayers, even when Robin is fighting the Sheriff’s men, led by Guy of Gisborne. Robin does defeat the men and sends Gisborne back to the Sheriff with the message to stay off his land. Unfortunately, Robin arrives home to find the castle burned and his father decaying in a hanging cell. Old Duncan, now blinded, reports that Locksley was accused of devil worship and supposedly confessed to the crime. Robin now will not rest until he has avenged his father, swearing it in blood.

Gisborne reports to his cousin, the Sheriff at Nottingham castle. An eye is watching through the wall and we shortly meet its owner, Mortiana, a creepy, creepy witch. I do not watch how she scries for the future, nope. But she foresees that the Lionheart (Richard) is proceeded home by the son of a dead man (Robin). The Sherriff asks if that will affect their plans. She’s seen their deaths, at the hand of a painted man, who they determine is the Moor traveling with Robin [um, did Gisborne even see the guy? How do they know this?].

Robin next visits Peter’s home to deliver the news to his sister. He’s brought in to see “Maid Marion,” who has changed since they were kids. A masked guard attacks and when Robin holds their hand over a fire to relieve them of their sword, a feminine scream emits. This is the real Marion, who is a cousin to King Richard. She remains at her ancestral land to take care of the people and only sees Robin as the spoiled son of a lord who used to bully her and burn her hair. She insists that she does not need Robin’s protection. Their conversation is interrupted when Gisborne and his men approach. Marion urges Robin to leave and forces him to by claiming he stole her horse. Robin, Azeem, and Duncan escape into Sherwood forest, which is supposed to be haunted. ‘Tis not haunted, ’tis overrun by bandits. Robin must fight Little John to cross the river; he ends up dunked a few times, but they laugh and become comrades.

After we witness the Sheriff’s true devotion to the Old Ways; he was raised by the witch rickman sheriff at his parents’ dying wish, he attempts to charm Marion (she knows not to trust him). Meanwhile, Robin visits the church to gather information. The bishop stands by the story that his father was a devil worshipper. Robin does not believe it (nor does Marion or anyone who truly knew the man). On his way out, Robin runs into the Sheriff and cuts his cheek. The Sheriff’s yells “I’ll cut your heart out with a spoon!” Later, Gisborne inquires “why a spoon?” “Because it’s dull and will hurt more, you twit!” (Such a memorable line!)

Robin now plans to lead the outlaws of Sherwood forest. Will Scarlett doesn’t trust him and some of his fears are founded when the Sheriff begins terrorizing the people, looking for Robin. The Sheriff is puzzled why the people love Robin when their love causes the Sheriff to hurt them and tax them. Robin steals from the Sheriff and redistributes to the poor. The Sheriff is so put out, among canceling kitchen scraps and merciful beheadings, he “calls off Christmas.” Robin and the outlaws of Sherwood continue to attack wagon trains of the Sheriff, including one containing Friar Tuck. He is, at first, wary of the outlaws and tries to make a run for it, but soon settles in and preaches beer. Guy of Gisborne has no luck catching Robin and eventually cries to his cousin. His cousin soothes him, then stabs him, remarking, “at least it wasn’t a spoon.”

Marion and her servant Sarah are out riding one day through the forest when two of Robin’s dimmer men attempt to attack them. The two women fend for themselves, but Marion insists on seeing Robin. She catches him bathing, but once he dresses he shows her around the village. He has collected blood money that the Sheriff intended to use to buy the barons and unite them against Richard. His father taught him that nobility is not a birthright, it’s action. Robin is trying to live up to his father’s example after parting with him before the Crusade in anger. Robin also shares the tale of his father seeking comfort with a peasant woman after Robin’s mother’s death. Robin was an angry and hurt twelve-year-old boy and his father gave up the woman to please Robin. As Robin sends Sarah and Marion on their way, he asks Marion to first, look after Duncan. And second, get word to Richard about the events in England. She agrees, for Robin’s sake.

The Sheriff continues his plans, Mortiana advising him to use the Celts to take care of Robin. The barons are not willing to blindly follow the Sheriff, since he can’t produce the promised payment. To secure his throne, he must wed royal blood. He intends to marry Marion. Mortiana had suggested the same idea, after revealing that she is actually the Sheriff’s mother (the Sheriff had discovered her spying on him and demanded answers). She had killed the babe of the real Sheriff (and probably killed the parents later as well). If her son lies with the royal line and a child is produced, her blood will eventually end up on the throne.

Marion drafts the note to Richard and insists that Sarah accompany the messenger. The messenger later knocks Sarah out and the note ends up in the Sheriff’s hand and also revealing that the bishop works for the Sheriff. The Sheriff has Marion abducted from her home and holds her captive at his castle. Duncan runs to get Robin, not knowing he’s been followed. The blind man inadvertently leads the Celts and the army to the camp, where the army lights the camp on fire. Several men, and a boy, are captured and Robin is presumed dead after he falls from a burning rope.

The Sheriff offers Marion to spare the captive children’s lives, as a wedding gift. He shows her Robin’s cross as proof that the man is dead. He then tortures the rest of his prisoners to find out if the hero really is dead. Will Scarlett has no love lost for Robin and offers to be a double agent; he can get close to Robin and if Robin doesn’t trust him, then the Sheriff needn’t worry. The Sheriff still has him lashed, to make it believable.

Robin is not dead. And he correctly suspects Will when he returns to camp. When asked why he hates Robin so much, Will reveals that he is the son of the peasant woman Robin’s father had spent time with. He is Robin’s half-brother. Robin is so pleased to have kin, he embraces his brother and swears that he will finish the fight he started. He comes up with a plan. Azeem knows how to make black powder (historically inaccurate for that time period; yeah, BBC’s Robin Hood also got that wrong), so he and the Friar set barrels of it around the scaffolding. Other men sneak in weapons and get into position. Will is recognized and captured at the public hanging and gets tied to one barrel. The Sheriff orders the executions to begin, starting with Little John’s son. The first plan is now out the window, but Robin has to act. He shoots the rope strangling the boy, revealing himself to the guards. But Azeem is ready to light the powder kegs. Many awesome explosions and arrows flying, the theme plays in the background. Little John crashes into the scaffolding. Robin shoots a flaming arrow (the scene that’s in every promo) to save Will. Marion screams for Robin and he’s off to rescue his lady. Azeem rallies the English to fight back against the Sheriff’s troops, then joins Robin inside the castle.

Mortiana insists that the Sheriff wed and bed Marion immediately; the time is ripe. The bishop hurriedly performs the ceremony, while Azeem and Robin pound on the door. – There’s so many things wrong with that scene, mainly ‘let’s show a woman married against her will and what follows.’ [I know somewhere there is a medieval law that forbade women being married unwillingly.] Mortiana goes to stop the men and encounters Azeem. She stabs him, but he impales her in return. Robin takes an alternate route, swinging in through the window. The bishop rushes out, only to run into Friar Tuck who assists in packing his gold, then pushing him out a window. Robin and the Sheriff face off, the Sheriff gleefully using Robin’s father’s sword against him. Marion helps distract the Sheriff a little, but mainly stays out of the way. John eventually has Robin pinned; when he rears back for the fatal blow, Robin pulls out a dagger and stabs the Sheriff. It’s a slow death, the Sheriff even pulling out the dagger. When we think it’s all through, Mortiana pops back up (where did she come from, wasn’t she dead?). But Azeem to the rescue again, finally breaking in the door and throwing his sword. He has fulfilled his vow to save Robin’s life.

Robin and Marion kiss and we next see their wedding. When Friar Tuck gets to the “speak now” part, a man commands them to hold. Everyone turns; it’s Richard! (Cameo by Sir Sean Connery!) His only objection is that he gives away the bride. He thanks Robin, Lord Locksley, for without him, Richard wouldn’t have a throne. Very well, Friar Tuck announces them man and wife. The couple may kiss.

My take: the action is good, I mean, explosions make everything more exciting (when used in moderation). The Sheriff’s and Robin’s duel is not my favorite sword fight, but still decent. Alan Rickman plays an excellent villain; he’s just smarmy (a bit like Snape, though the Sheriff ranges between quiet and deadly and loud and demanding). Mortiana is creepy and can we get a decent portrayal of a complex witch? Are they all supposed to be creepy and pure evil, or simply funny? [I do have a fantasy series in very early development stages that will involve women using magic, so it’s topic that I take interest in]. Azeem is a well developed character, a bit ahead of the English characters in his thinking. Marion and Robin are a bit flat, and I wish they had delved more into the connection between Will and Robin.

There are funny bits, some superb one liners (mainly Alan Rickman’s). There are creepy bits. I don’t believe the Celts were well represented, but that was a standby enemy for storytellers to use for that time period; oh, the murderous Celts, wild animals they are. The Romans built Hadrian’s Wall for a reason. Sean Connery playing King Richard was cool. Though it was odd that Prince John was never mentioned; I guess they wanted to make the story more insular, keep it as trouble within Nottingham. Watching it now, as an adult, having come to age with growing special effects, I say “it’s okay.”

Next Time: Some humor with Men in Tights

“Never Say We Die”

I apologize for the delay in posting, but I had a very busy weekend. (I did manage to spend an hour or so on Valentine’s Day watching some of my favorite movie and TV show clips and eating a few pieces of delicious chocolate…fangirl through and through am I). Now, wind in the sails for the next installment:

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

Port Royal is now completely under the thumb of Lord Cutler Beckett and the East India Company; Beckett has declared martial law. He’s suspended the people’s rights and is persecuting anyone suspected of piracy or any connection to piracy. Mass hangings are underway, including a little boy, who begins singing.

“The king and his men, stole the queen from her bed. And bound her in her bones. The seas be ours, and fight the powers. Where we will, we’ll roam. Yo ho, haul together, hoist the colours high. Heave ho, thieves and beggars, never shall we die.”

Others join in and soon it’s the whole line of pirates. The wind changes and when Beckett is informed of the phenomenon (like he didn’t know, he’s sitting right there. Why his stooge felt it necessary to tell him…) he simply responds “finally.”

Next, we’re in Singapore. Elizabeth is singing the tune now, with different verses. She meets Barbossa, who has scheduled a meeting with Sao Feng. The crew of the Black Pearl sneak beneath Sao Feng’s bathhouse, which acts as his headquarters. Will was to sneak in and steal the charts they needed. Before entering the bathhouse, Elizabeth is forced to remove all her weapons; a great deal considering her slim build and Feng’s stooge takes great pleasure in ordering her to strip to just her shirt. Before Sao Feng, Barbossa informs the pirate lord he requires a ship and a crew. Sao Feng has Will brought out, well, out of the tub of water; he was caught trying to steal the charts; Elizabeth speaks before Will can be killed. Barbossa brings up that the song has been sung, a coin still rings, and the nine pirate lords must convene the Brethren Court. Sao Feng and Barbossa are two of the lords, Jack is a third. They must retrieve Jack from Davy Jones’ Locker. Feng argues that they do not stand a chance against Beckett and the East India Company; Elizabeth calls him a coward. They’re weapons are thrown to them by the crew below and a fight breaks out, complicated by the arrival of the Company. The pirates escape; Will and Sao Feng briefly making a deal; Will needs the Pearl to free his father and is willing to cross Barbossa and Jack for Sao Feng’s help. He gets the chart, and the boat and crew, getting them on their way.

There’s a short scene aboard the Endeavor showing that Norrington has been promoted to Admiral under Beckett; he receives an old friend for his new position: the sword that Will made for his previous promotion. In the background, Governor Swann is signing a slew of documents. Beckett’s displeasure of Davy Jones’ refusal to correctly follows orders leads him to take the chest aboard the Flying Dutchman to keep the captain in line. This is no longer Jones’ world; it’s Beckett’s. “I thought you would have learned that when I ordered you to kill your pet.”

The Pearl‘s crew has ventured into an icy region, attempting to decipher the charts to world’s end; they’re not as accurate as modern maps but they take you more places. The map is made of wheels that you twist, attempting to line up either words or designs or landmarks. There’s a saying about “flash of green.” Gibbs fills the uneducated in; there’s a phenomenon of a flash of green at sunset that signals a soul has returned from the dead. Not comfortingly, Barbossa comments, “it’s not getting to the land of the dead that’s the problem. It’s getting back.”

Will and Elizabeth are not speaking to each other. Elizabeth’s response is that once Jack is back, all will be well. That does not strike confidence in Will, especially about the state of their engagement. Tia Dalma offers advice to Will: “for what we want most, there is a cost that must be paid in the end.” Will has spotted that they are about to go over an edge. “Aye,” Barbossa states, “we’re good and lost now.” Again, not comforting. Will takes charge, ordering the crew to avoid the edge, but it’s too late. They brace for impact and fall.

We hear dialogue from the original Pirates of the Caribbean ride in the blackness between scenes. “Dead men tell no tales” echoes as we’re blinded by the Locker. There are numerous Jack Sparrow doppelgangers board the Pearl. Jack is hallucinating; driven mad by the emptiness of the Locker; all sand, the Pearl cannot sail, there’s not even a breeze. He blames his predicament on the thinking “give a man another chance.” (Not entirely sure who he is thinking of at that point) He washes his hands of the weirdness and swings off the ship, onto the ground. Oh, there’s a crab! Let’s throw it, and when it comes back, let’s lick it, for no good reason. After attempting to pull the Pearl, it begins moving. A whole host of crabs are acting like a wave and carry the Pearl through the dunes to the ocean. Jack gives chase to his ship and as the Pearl arrives at its destination, he’s standing atop the mast like he did when he entered Port Royal (complete with the same strain of music).

At the beach, the Pearl’s crew washes up. They’re surprised to see the Pearl moving and happy to see Jack. But Jack believes they’re all hallucinations. Until Elizabeth speaks up; that breaks him out of it. Then he’s not too keen on letting people who have betrayed him back on the Pearl, including Barbossa, Will, and Elizabeth. Except they are the ones who might have an idea on how to escape the Locker. Barbossa and Jack are back to bickering over the Pearl and Will confronts Elizabeth about her part in how Jack died. She claims that she didn’t have a choice; she had to sacrifice Jack to save them. It was her burden to bear, she couldn’t tell Will. He points out that he carried the burden anyway, he just didn’t know what it was. If Elizabeth makes her choices alone, how can he trust her? He can’t.

The Pearl comes across bodies, then boats of departed souls. Tia explains that they should be in the care of Davy Jones; that was his mission, to ferry the souls from one world to the next. But he has corrupted his mission. Elizabeth spots her father amongst the boats and for a moment, believes they’ve made it back. They haven’t; they’re still in the Locker. Which means her father is dead. At Beckett’s orders, Governor Swann explains. He had begun asking too many questions about the heart. He discovered that if you stab the heart, your heart must take its place and you become the next captain of the Dutchman. Elizabeth desperately tries to bring her father aboard, almost leaving the ship. Will stops her and comforts her, even asking Tia Dalma if there was a way. He’s at peace.

The ship becomes stuck in doldrums; they’ve little water left and if they don’t make it back to the living world soon, they’ll all die and be stuck in the Locker. Jack has had an opportunity to play with the map and comes across a new phrase: “Up is down.” His little hallucinations help him mull the phrase over until he realizes that sunset may mean sundown. If they flip the ship at sundown, down becomes up, meaning sunup. The rest of the crew catches on and a flash of green and it works! Then the five leads all pull guns on each other: Jack points at Elizabeth, who points at Barbossa, behind whom is Gibbs, Barbossa points at Will, and Will points at Jack. Barbossa states that he and Jack need to make for Shipwreck Cove for the Brethren Court. Jack would rather sail the opposite direction. They fire, only for their pistols to click; wet powder. Will comes up with the arrangement that Barbossa and Jack go ashore to re-provision the ship and leave him in charge of the Pearl, temporarily.

On the shores of their refueling island lays the carcass of the Kraken. They also discover one of Sao Feng’s men, dead in the water. Turning around, Sao Feng’s ship is nearing the Pearl. Back aboard, Will has led a mutiny to take control of the Pearl, with an agreement from Sao Feng; he needs it to catch the Flying Dutchman to free his father. Except the pirate lord reneges on his promise. Then Beckett’s men come aboard; Sao Feng had an agreement with them. Basically, at this point, everyone is betraying everyone else for their own goals and not telling anyone else; acting like pirates and whatnot. In the end, Elizabeth agrees to go with Sao Feng, perturbed that Will hadn’t told her about his plan to rescue his father (turnabout is fair play, Miss Swann). Will is put in the brig of the Black Pearl. Jack goes across ships to meet with Beckett aboard the Endeavor.

Beckett threatens to inform Jones of Jack’s return, thereby not squaring his debt with the tentacle fellow. But, if Jack fills in Beckett on the Brethren Court, its members, why the nine pieces of eight, and where they’re meeting, Beckett will keep his mouth shut and ensure Jack’s freedom. Except, Beckett has Jack’s compass, so why would he need Jack? Jack’s response is that Beckett needs an inside man. Then the pirate escapes back to the Pearl and they’re off for Shipwreck Cove. Will eventually escapes the brig and leaves a trail of dead bodies for the Endeavor to follow (they were delayed due to Jack damaging the ship in his escape). Jack is polite enough to not raise the alarm so he can speak to the whelp. Being insightful, Jack notes that Will does not trust Elizabeth; Will divulges that he feels he’s losing the woman he loves. Every step towards his father is a step away from Elizabeth. Ah, Jack has an idea. Let Jack be the one to stab the heart; he becomes immortal. He seems fine with the idea of only stepping on land once every ten years. He proceeds to knock Will overboard, with the compass (by breathing on him, his breath must really stink).

Meanwhile, Sao Feng believes Elizabeth to be the sea goddess Calypso, bound in human form. He agrees with Barbossa that they’re best shot at defeating Beckett is to free Calypso, something only the whole Brethren Court can do. Just as Sao Feng makes a move on Elizabeth, the Flying Dutchman catches up and fires on them. Sao Feng is killed, but manages to pass captaincy on to Elizabeth. Admiral Norrington is in charge of the Dutchman and that evening frees Elizabeth and her crew. He was shocked to see her among the pirates and dismayed to learn of her father’s death. He’s coming to realize he may have chosen the wrong side. While in the brig of the Dutchman, Elizabeth meets Bootstrap Bill, who is becoming more a part of the ship, punishment for helping Will earlier. Bill guesses who Elizabeth is and states that Will cannot free Bill if he wants to be with Elizabeth. When the crew is let out, Bill follows, and as “part of the crew, part of the ship,” he raises the alarm. Norrington cuts the line so Elizabeth can escape and is stabbed by Bill. Jones admires the Admiral’s sword and his crew intend to take the ship, but his heart is still in danger.

Jones is then called to the Endeavor to meet with Beckett, and Will. Will casually informs Jones that Jack is back, spoiling Beckett’s hold on that information; and showing Jones that he can’t trust Beckett. He also states that the Brethren Court intends to free Calypso, which infuriates Jones. He will lead them to Shipwreck Cove in exchange for Jones freeing Bill and Beckett guaranteeing Elizabeth’s safety.

Meanwhile, at Shipwreck Cove, the Brethren Court argues amongst itself. Elizabeth brings the news that Beckett is on his way to wipe out the pirates. She proposes fighting. Another argues they can hide in the Cove and outlast Beckett. Barbossa wants to free Calypso; if they do so, she may grant them boon. Jack points out that Calypso is a woman scorned, whose fury hell hath no, and thus not likely to grant boon to the Court that imprisoned her. He cannot believe he is saying it, but he agrees with Captain Swann; they must fight…to run away. Barbossa points out that an act of war can only be declared by the Pirate King. And the Pirate King is elected by popular vote amongst the Brethren Court; and each captain always votes for themselves. Jack unexpectedly votes for Elizabeth. She commands every seaworthy ship be made ready for war. Jack visits with the Keeper of the Code, Captain Teague; his father (cameo by Keith Richards from The Rolling Stones, and part of Johnny Depp’s inspiration for Jack Sparrow).

Jones visits Tia Dalma aboard the Black Pearl, confirming that she is Calypso and he did help the first Brethren Court is binding her to one human form. He loved her, but after he did his duty for ten years and was able to step back on land, she was not where he left her. But that’s her nature, would he love her if she was anything else? Then Jones corrupted his purpose and that is how he gained the tentacle face. Jones tries to claim that he has no heart, but before he leaves, he whispers “my heart will always belong to you.” Calypso will not have any mercy for the Court; punishment for imprisoning her.

The next morning is a parlay (director Gore Verbinksi provides the electric guitar solo; they were out of time and he was available and able to play) between Barbossa, Elizabeth, and Jack, and Beckett, Jones, and Will. Barbossa’s initial reaction is that Will was the traitor amongst the pirates. Beckett clears that up by revealing Jack the master orchestrator. Elizabeth warns Will that freeing his father is a lost cause; Will still doesn’t give up. Barbossa and Jack exchange words and Will and Jack switch sides. So, Jack is aboard the Dutchman per the overall grand scheme of things, still accompanied by his hallucinations. Over aboard the Pearl, Barbossa has gathered all nine pieces of eight from the pirate lords (they’re not coins, just bits and bobs the lords happened to have on them at the first Court, then passed down to their successor captains). Tia Dalma is bound and he begins the process to free her. Burn the pieces of eight and then say “Calypso, I release you from your human bonds,” as if by a lover. Surprisingly, Ragetti understands better than Barbossa. Tia grows and turns into a tower of crabs that rush overboard.

With Calypso gone and not likely to grant Barbossa’s favor, the pirates doubt they can win. They face an armada, with the Flying Dutchman at the lead. Elizabeth rallies the pirates. No, revenge won’t bring back her father and it’s not worth dying for. But what is worth dying for is the ability to tame the seas by the sweat of their brows and the strength of their backs. The other ships will look to the Pearl to lead them and they will see free men. “Gentlemen, hoist the colours.” Those flags are based on historical pirate flags (the music is once again awesome).

The winds blow and a storm bursts. A maelstrom swirls and the Dutchman and Pearl face off across the whirlpool. Jack escapes the brig on the Dutchman by thinking like the whelp and using leverage to pop the door off. He grabs the chest, then swings about the rigging trying to escape Jones and his crew. Over on the Pearl, Will has made his decision. “Elizabeth, will you marry me?” “I don’t think now’s the best time.” “Now may be the only time!” Elizabeth asks Barbossa to marry them (Will’s confused for a second) and he keeps getting interrupted by attacking sailors, so the couple exchanges their own awe kiss vows. Then – the most epic kiss of all time! I gush every time I see it, or hear the music and remember the scene. Now married, Will swings over to the Dutchman, after seeing Jack in trouble. The masts of the two ships tangle. Will gets a hold of the chest, but Bill, not realizing who he’s attacking, stops Will. Elizabeth now swings over and faces Jones. He knocks her down and Will stabs him. But Jones cannot die. He twists the end of the blade sticking out of his chest so Will can’t remove it. He sees the emotions exchanged between Will and Elizabeth; “love, a dreadful bond, yet so easily severed.” Jack stops him, showing that he’s holding Jones’s heart, his broken sword poised over it. In retaliation, Jones stabs Will, ironically with Norrington’s old sword that Will crafted. Bill finally comes to his senses and tackles Jones, giving Jack the chance to position Will to stab the heart. Jones, now dead, falls into the whirlpool.

Barbossa orders the masts shot to save the Pearl. Jack pulls Elizabeth away from Will, the Dutchman crew is approaching, chanting “part of the crew, part of the ship.” They escape the sinking ship and are picked up by the Pearl. But the fight is not over, there’s still the Endeavor to deal with. It advances towards the Pearl, but the Dutchman bursts forth,

flying dutchman captain — Looking very much a proper pirate

decay falling from its hull (the sky is now blue again). Will stands at the helm, bearing a new jagged scar. The Dutchman and Pearl come along either side of the Endeavor, and fire. The ship is reduced to splinters, claiming Beckett, who simply mutters, “it’s just good business.” He understands why both ships turned on him. The armada flees; the pirates have won. They celebrate and throw their hats. Even Jack, though a minute later he sends Gibbs to retrieve it.

The crew of the Black Pearl (with added members Murtogg and Mullory) bid Elizabeth farewell, she is to join her husband on land for one night before he attends to his duties as the new captain of the Flying Dutchman. Barbossa refers to her as Mrs. Turner, a callback to how she introduced herself to him during Curse of the Black Pearl. She has her own call back with Jack, saying it would have never worked out between them, though she sincerely thanks him.

awe beach

I find the scene on the beach between Will and Elizabeth incredibly romantic. Will asks Elizabeth to keep the chest with his heart safe. They share a final kiss and he boards the Dutchman. A flash of green and sunset.

We find Jack strolling along a dock with two women (the two who slapped him last time he was in Tortuga), ready to show them the Black Pearl. But it is once again, gone. Barbossa has sailed off with it, leaving Jack a little dinghy. Barbossa intends to find the Fountain of Youth, but when he unrolls the map, the center part is missing, snatched by Jack. The ending scene, after the credits, is ten years later, a little boy singing A Pirate’s Life for Me, accompanied by his mother, Elizabeth. A flash of green and Will has returned.

pirates premiere — I’m the one wearing pirate garb; because it was a premiere for a Pirates movie. The other ladies dressed as one for a movie premiere in Hollywood.

This was one movie I attended the midnight premiere of, with a couple of my friends. When Will was stabbed, I cried. The friend sitting next to me whispered to our friend sitting next to her that I was crying. Our friend told her to just let me. That was really just the start of the fandom life. I have cried through several episodes of Supernatural, including the recent 300th episode. I feel it’s the mark of a good story and good character development when fans get emotionally attached to characters.

I have seen this movie several times and I still don’t completely understand everyone’s deals; who they made them with and for what. Ultimately, our heroes remain heroic in the end. The bad guy gets his just reward…which was awesome. I do not like Beckett; it is heavily suggested amongst fans that Jack at one point was hired by Beckett to transport goods, which turned out to be slaves. Jack refused and Beckett branded him. I get that Davy Jones and Calypso (who became Tia Dalma) were in love, and I can see that after all that time they still love each other deep down, and that after ten years, Jones returned to wherever and Calypso wasn’t there, but I guess I don’t quite understand why he went completely off the deep end. And if we look at the lyrics of “Hoist the Colours,” we find out that they tell the story of binding Calypso. “The king and his men” = the Pirate King and the Court. “Stole the queen from her bed; and bound her in her bones” = Calypso. As Barbossa claimed: “the seas be ours and fight the powers. Where we will, we’ll roam.”

Still hate the love triangle they played with at the beginning between Will, Elizabeth, and Jack. Will and Elizabeth, I’m rooting for you, but why can you not just talk to each other! Very glad they got back together in the end, my favorite part of the movie. But seriously. While I do prefer this movie to later sequels, I am holding to the view that the original was the best and honestly, no sequels were needed; I think it just complicated matters. However, the action was epic, as was the music and in due course, the story ended satisfyingly.

There are some incredible youtube videos you can check out:
The Piano Guys have a version of the theme they perform, as does Two Cellos. Taylor Davis and David Garrett both play violin versions of the theme. The Hillywood Show does a parody of the movies (they have a slew of other parodies you should check out!)

Fanfic Recommendations:
The biggest one I can give you is mypiratecat1’s works; they were written before the fourth and fifth installments, but give the main characters a happy ending and takes them into their future.

So next time, we’re on to the Robin Hood legend. What are your thoughts on pirate movies? Who’s your favorite character from the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise?

“Yo Ho Ho, and a Bottle of Rum”

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

The middle film in the original trilogy, when Disney decided to expand on the success of the first film. Story wise, it mainly serves to set up the third film (they were filmed back-to-back). There’s great action, another great soundtrack (composed by Hans Zimmer), and the characters are nicely developed. But where Curse of the Black Pearl could stand on its own as a fulfilling story, this one needs At World’s End to tie up loose ends. Bill Nighy (he went on to play Minister Rufus Scrimgeour in Deathly Hallows, and he was the art professor in Doctor Who‘s episode on Vincent Van Gogh) joins the cast as Davy Jones, Stellan Skarsgård (he plays Bill in both Mamma Mia movies and is Dr. Erik Selvig in the MCU) is Bootstrap Bill, Tom Hollander (he appeared alongside Keira Knightley in the 2005 film adaptation of Pride and Prejudice) is Lord Cutler Beckett, and Naomie Harris (Eve Moneypenny in the more recent James Bond films) is Tia Dalma [those two characters barely look like each other…wow].

It opens on a rained-out wedding, Will and Elizabeth’s. Will has been arrested by a new batch of British soldiers for his actions in freeing Jack Sparrow. Lord Cutler Beckett is in command and also has a warrant for Elizabeth’s arrest, as well as James Norrington. Norrington resigned his post and is no longer at Port Royal. With our stars already in trouble, we cut to the Black Pearl, waiting outside some sort of prison. Coffins are being thrown into the ocean; a bird lands on one, then is shot off. A hand emerges, followed by Jack. Once aboard the Pearl again, he delivers his treasure, a drawing of a key. The crew is not initially impressed; it’s been some time since they’d done honest pirating and they want a more shiny reward. But Jack talks them around, though the crew also notices he’s acting stranger; for instance, his compass isn’t working.

Back in Port Royal, Beckett has a proposition for Will; in exchange for Jack’s compass, Beckett will grant the man letters of mark, pardoning him and allowing him to survive as a privateer for England. Cutting back to the Pearl, Jack ventures into the hold for some more rum and discovers an old friend: Bootstrap Bill, covered in barnacles. Bill congratulates Jack on getting the Pearl back; Jack informs him that his son, young William, helped in that matter. Bill is dismayed that Will has turned to a life of piracy, but continues with his message: time’s up for Jack. Davy Jones is calling in his debt. He passes on the Black Spot to Jack. Jack proceeds to wake the rest of the crew and informs them to head towards land.

Will visits his betrothed in prison and explains Beckett’s deal. Governor Swann doesn’t trust Jack to help Will and Elizabeth and wants to pursue other courses of action. There’s a funny bit when the couple speaks to each other, Elizabeth’s father standing only a few feet away and Elizabeth informs her fiancé “if it weren’t for these bars, I’d have you already,” startling her father. He breaks a light similar to Will had broken in his home in the previous film. Governor Swann later sneaks Elizabeth out of prison, intending to put her on a ship bound for England. His only concern is his daughter; he’ll help Will as best he can, but knows that the lad will most certainly hang and all the better for Elizabeth to leave Port Royal. Doesn’t seem like he completely approves of his future son-in-law. Their plan is ruined when Beckett’s man kills the friendly captain. Elizabeth snuck out of the carriage in the commotion and holds a pistol to Beckett. She tries to warn him of the cursed Aztec gold, but “there’s more than one chest of value in these waters,” Beckett informs her. She takes the letters, but Beckett warns her he will still want Jack’s compass.

elizabeth vs beckett

Will is eventually led to an island where the Pearl sits on the beach. He’s captured and taken before the natives’ chief: Jack. Jack speaks nonsense words with the natives and finally whispers “Save me” to Will, despite Will stating that he needs Jack’s help to save Elizabeth. Once Will is put with the rest of the crew in hanging bone cages, Gibbs informs him that while the natives view Jack as their chief and thus a god, there is a ceremony to free the god from his human form; the fire they’re building is for that purpose. Will takes charge; they must escape Jack plays along, insisting on more wood and when the opportune moment comes, he runs away. He’s caught and gotten ready for the fire. But the crew has been caught climbing the cliff (Mythbusters tested whether that could be done; the cage could not be swung the way its shown in the movie, but a crew can climb up a wall). Jack has another chance to escape. He joins his crew back at the Pearl; Will first insisted they couldn’t leave without Jack, but upon seeing the whole village of natives chasing the man, he quips “time to go.” They get safely away.

To rescue Elizabeth, Jack states they need to go upriver. They visit Tia Dalma, who informs Will “you have a touch of destiny about you.” To Jack, she cackles, “Jack Sparrow does not know what he wants.” When Will asks about the key, which Jack has told him ultimately leads to a way to save Elizabeth, Tia Dalma tells the crew about Davy Jones. He fell in love, but eventually, the love was too painful, so he cut out his own heart and buried it in a chest. The key unlocks that chest. She reveals Jack’s Black Spot, showing that Jones is after Jack. Since Jones cannot step on dry land except once every ten years, land is where they will be safe, so they will carry land with them. She gives Jack a jar of dirt. Then she casts for the location of the Flying Dutchman.

They come upon a shipwreck. Jack sends Will over, the lad’s plan is simple enough, cut down any in his path to the key. Oh, and if Will needs, tell them that Jack Sparrow sent him to settle his debt. Will eventually comes before Davy Jones as he offers the dying sailors from the other ship the chance to forestall judgment day by serving one hundred years on his ship: “do you fear death?” When Jones comes to Will, he asks his purpose. Will says what Jack told him. The captain visits the pirate aboard the Pearl. Their deal was Jack got to be captain for thirteen years; time’s up. Now Jack is to serve aboard the Dutchman for a hundred years. Jack wishes to further postpone that trip and haggles for how many souls is his worth. Answer, one hundred. Jones will keep Will for the time being. After their encounter, Jack orders Gibbs to head for Tortuga.

Elizabeth has apparently snuck aboard another ship, changed into men’s clothing and the crew finds her wedding dress. They first think it’s a sign from a spirit. Elizabeth comes up with the plan to use that notion to her advantage and direct the ship to Tortuga. There, Norrington comes forward under the guise to join Jack’s crew. Really, he wants revenge for the pirate ruining his life; his clothes are filthy, he’s drunk, he lost his ship, his crew, his position, everything. So those two men start a riot in the tavern. Elizabeth joins in and eventually knocks Norrington out when he becomes too annoying. She then tracks down Jack and asks about Will. Jack spins her the tale that in order to save Will, she needs to find the chest, revealing that his compass “points to the thing you want most in this world.” (This is where the line from the new Disney intro “we have our heading!” comes from)

Aboard the Dutchman there is confusion over an order for “Mr. Turner;” both Will and Bill respond and that confusion lets a canon drop on deck. Five lashes are issued to Will. Bill steps in to take the punishment. Davy Jones inquires why he would take the punishment; Bill responds “he’s my son.” Jones finds it poetically cruel and forces Bill to whip is own son’s back. Later, Will retorts he doesn’t need his father’s help, though Bill is urging Will to get off the ship. Will has sworn no oath to Jones and is not bound to the ship. Will tells him about his search for the Dead Man’s Chest, which a veteran crewmember (who is almost completely one with the ship) informs them don’t stab the heart. The Dutchman needs a living heart, or there will be no captain. We’re still left a little confused. But Will comes up with a plan; he challenges Davy Jones to the game Liar’s Dice. He wagers a lifetime of service in exchange for the key, which makes Jones reveal it’s hidden in his tentacle face. Bill jumps into the game and in the end throws it so his son will remain free. That evening, after Jones falls asleep at his organ, Will sneaks in and steals the key. Bill has a boat waiting for him and gives his son a knife. Will takes it with the promise that he will find some way to free his father; he won’t abandon him. [I think that’s a bit of a dig at Bill abandoning Will and his mother years ago]

Back in Port Royal, Beckett meets with Governor Swann. He warns the man that he has ships in pursuit of Jack, Will, and now Elizabeth. There could easily be a battle and the father can only imagine what will happen to his daughter. In exchange for possibly saving Elizabeth, Beckett wants Swann’s authority as governor, his influence in London, and ultimately, his loyalty.

dmc will — Gotta say, Will looks more like a pirate this time around (and I like it)

Will manages to hitch a ride on another ship, the same one Elizabeth used to get to Tortuga; he recognizes her wedding dress. But the ship seems to have struck a reef. That’s how the other ship was caught by the Dutchman. Davy Jones has discovered Will’s deception and forces Bill to watch as the Dutchman’s crew calls the Kraken and sends it to the other ship. Will does escape (at one point, sliding down a sail with a knife to slow his descent: Mythbusters also tested this but found that it didn’t work due to the ribbing in the sail; my argument with their test, the ribbing was done in a different direction in the movie, vertical compared to horizontal), briefly catching his breath on a piece of driftwood (a callback to his first appearance in the previous film), before eventually hiding in the front of the Dutchman. Jones orders for them to make for his chest, attempting to beat Sparrow.

In the meantime, Norrington overhears Elizabeth, Jack, and Gibbs discussing the letters of mark. Gibbs comments that if the East India Company controls the heart, they’ll control the seas, which is bad for every pirate. Norrington (I’m not sure why he does this aside from he’s still mad that Elizabeth chose Will over him) insinuates that Elizabeth is attracted to Jack. She’s appalled. Later, Jack notes that they are similar people, he and Elizabeth. She retorts that Jack lacks a sense of honor, decency, a moral center, and personal hygiene. Jack responds that Elizabeth will come over to his side, of piracy, because she’ll want the freedom. Elizabeth counters that Jack will want to be a good man; he’ll want the reward. They get very close to one another, almost seducing the other. They’re interrupted by coming upon the island.

Jack, Elizabeth, and Norrington go ashore to dig up the chest. Will arrives just as the chest is found, Elizabeth happily embraces and kisses her fiancé. He has to thank Jack for his reunion with his father aboard the Dutchman. Elizabeth realizes that everything Jack told her was a lie. Jack can’t let Will stab the heart, freeing Bill, because then who will call off the Kraken? He holds his sword to Will, Will returns the favor, and Norrington pulls out his sword; he can’t let Will stab the heart because he needs to deliver the chest to Beckett to get his life back. So, all three begin dueling each other. Ragetti and Pintel (the pirate comedic duo) steal the chest, Elizabeth goes after them and they’re soon fighting the crew of the Dutchman (with only two swords between the three of them; Will has Elizabeth’s). The trio of men end up at an old church with a water wheel attached, all fighting over the key. The duel takes them aboard the wheel once it’s broken away. It’s a great bit of choreography and I’m sure not easy to film.

wheel duel

In the end, Jack is able to open the chest and takes the heart and stuffs it down his shirt. When he gets back to the rowboat, he puts it in the jar of dirt. Norrington finds the letters, and spots the mess with the dirt. When Will finds the chest, Jack knocks him out to prevent him from opening it. Cornered by the Dutchman‘s crew, Norrington offers to take the chest and distract them so the others can get away. He eventually drops the chest, letting the crew take it.

Aboard the Pearl, Jack taunts Davy Jones: “I’ve got a jar of dirt! And guess what’s inside it!” [there’s another hilarious remix of this] Well, Jones orders his crew to open fire on the Pearl, send it back to the depths. The Pearl turns and flees; against the wind, the Dutchman is faster which is how it traps its victims, but with the wind, the Pearl has the advantage. Will wants to turn and fight and free his father. Jack smirks that it’s better to negotiate. When the ship shudders, his jar of dirt falls and breaks. “Where’s the thump thump?” The heart is gone. Jones lets the Pearl take the lead; he has his crew call up the Kraken. Will has seen this tactic before and takes charge. They’ll load the gunpowder…and rum, into the cargo net. He hands a rifle to Elizabeth, she better not miss [I forgot this part of the movie, which is sad, cause it’s awesome!].

Meanwhile, Jack has taken the only boat and is planning on escaping. But he catches sight of the plight of his ship and crew and checks his compass. Elizabeth spots him and mutters “Coward.” There’s a bit of chaos and confusion when the net is finally lifted and Will manages to catch his foot in the ropes. Elizabeth loses hold of the gun for a moment when a tentacle grabs her; Pintel and Ragetti save her. When she finds it, a boot is on it: Jack. He takes the rifle and shoots just as Will drops. The tentacles of the Kraken are wrapped around the barrels and they’re blown. Except they haven’t killed the Kraken, they’ve only made it angry. Jack gives the order to abandon ship. Elizabeth stops to thank Jack and kisses him (Will sees…and apparently that bit was not in Orlando’s script so they got a more genuine reaction). What Will doesn’t see is Elizabeth chain Jack to the mast. She claims to the six other survivors that Jack elected to stay behind. Jack frees himself just as the mouth of the Kraken comes over the side. He gets a whole bunch of spit shot at him, including his hat. Striking a hero pose, he snarks “Hello, beastie,” and is devoured.

Jones isn’t as pleased as he thought he would be with Jack’s demise. He checks the chest and finds it empty. He curses Sparrow. Actually, Norrington has the heart and delivers it to Beckett.

The crew of the Pearl hold a memorial for Jack at Tia Dalma’s shack. Will, seeing how upset Elizabeth is, and not completely understanding why, offers to try to get Jack back. Tia asks them how far are they willing to go? Will they brave the haunted and weird shores at world’s end? [title dropping the next movie] They all agree. So, they’ll need a captain who knows those waters. Boots come down the stairs…Barbossa is back. (The cast wasn’t aware it was Barbossa returning, so they’re surprise was genuine)

Overall, I still find this movie better than the fourth and fifth installments. As stated previously, I liked the character development. I still really can’t stand Jack (a bit too dishonest), but I can appreciate that they are showing different sides of him and showing a more genuine heroic streak. Norrington is still a bit of a jerk; I hate Beckett. He wants power for power’s sake and will use any means to obtain it. It was insinuated that he’s had a run in with Jack before and is most likely the one responsible for branding Jack as a pirate and possibly the reason Jack had to get the Pearl back in the first place, thus causing his deal with Jones.

I have mixed feelings about Elizabeth. What I dislike the most about this film is the ridiculous love triangle they felt inclined to include. It was shown that Elizabeth like Will from a young age, putting aside social barriers to befriend him and she only made the deal with Norrington in the first film to save Will. The whole flirting bit aboard the Pearl between Jack and Elizabeth is nonsense. Yes, it points out that underneath it all, Elizabeth has a pirate streak and Jack has a good streak and Jack is more likely to flirt with a woman that speak honestly. But what bugs me the most is how it hurts Will. A man who always tries to do the right thing. He finds out his long-lost and believed dead father is actually alive and bond in service aboard the Flying Dutchman; he’s angry for a little bit, but still decides to save his father, rather than leave him to his fate. While he does view Jack as a friend on occasion, the main reason he goes after the pirate is to save Elizabeth. I still like the fact that Elizabeth will join in the fight for her freedom, and Will’s. But she doesn’t tell Will what she did when the Pearl was taken and lets her fiancé stew.

Now, the action was amazing. They were ingenious in how the Pearl fought the Kraken, throwing in nice dramatic moments. The duel on the wheel was incredible and even just having a three-way duel was cool; two people sometimes joining to fight one, or all hacking away at each other individually. The featured cellist in the soundtrack was superb; a cello brings such warmth and emotion to a piece. The Kraken’s theme echoes the sense of something stalking the hero, waiting for the right moment to strike, then wreaking terrible destruction. Very cool to bring in the organ in such a manner, not only having it play a mournful tune, but also underneath the attack.

We’ll finish up next time with At World’s End

“Drink Up Me Hearties, Yo Ho!”

Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl

I adore this movie; love the storyline, the action, the soundtrack. It came out when I started high school; it premiered in Disneyland, home of the original Pirates of the Caribbean ride and was the first movie to premier in Disneyland. Major cast list includes Johnny Depp (the go-to actor for Tim Burton…I don’t watch Tim Burton films) as Captain Jack Sparrow, Orlando Bloom (Legolas in Lord of the Rings) as Will Turner, Keira Knightley (she had been in Princess of Thieves and as the handmaiden in Phantom Menace before this, but I think she got really popular after) as Elizabeth Swann, Geoffrey Rush (Shakespeare in Love) as Barbossa, Jonathan Pryce (Bond villain in Tomorrow Never Dies and the antagonist in What a Girl Wants) as Governor Weatherby Swann, Kevin McNally (appears as Frank Devereaux, the paranoid guy in Supernatural…I did not put those two together) as Mr. Gibbs, and Lee Arenberg (who later appears as Leroy/Grumpy in Once Upon a Time) is Pintel-one half of one of the comedic duos. Zoe Saldana (later stars as Nyota Uhura in the nuStarTrek movies and Gamora in Guardians of the Galaxy) features as Anamaria.

Fun fact I discovered, the ship that was used for the Interceptor, Lady Washington was used in Once Upon a Time as Killian Jones/Captain Hook’s ship The Jolly Roger. Cool! The figurehead on the ship that brings the Swanns to the Caribbean bears the coat of arms of the United Kingdom and is the real figurehead of the H.M.S. Victory, which was commanded by Lord Horatio Nelson at the Battle of Trafalgar and now serves as a museum and is the oldest commissioned warship in the world. Speaking of sailing vessels, Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World (based on the Aubrey Maturin series of novels by Patrick O’Brien) came out the same year…and the same year as Return of the King (my brother was not pleased that Return of the King beat out Master and Commander at the Oscars…I was pleased).

I appreciate that the prologue to the film was not narrated or an exposition scene; we start right in with young Elizabeth Swann singing A Pirate’s Life For Me. Gibbs tells her off, warning that it will bring about pirates. Elizabeth is excited to meet one, claiming it would be “fascinating.” Governor Swann does not approve of his daughter’s interest and Lieutenant Norrington doesn’t help matters when he informs young Elizabeth that he plans to put an end to piracy by giving any man who sails under that banner what they deserve: a short drop and a sudden stop (as Gibbs mimes, hanging). Out of the fog floats a boy on wreckage. He’s recued and Governor Swann puts Elizabeth in charge of him. The ship discovers the rest of the wreck, sinking and in flames. Gibbs says what everyone is thinking: pirates. Elizabeth takes in her charge and discovers he’s wearing a gold coin with a stylized skull, a pirate medallion. She tucks it away as her charge comes to for a moment, long enough to say his name is Will Turner. As they sail past the smoldering wreck, Elizabeth glimpses a dark skip with torn sails, and a skull and crossbones flag.

Eight years later, Elizabeth wakes from her dream. She pulls to coin out of its hiding place and tucks it away as her father enters bearing a gift, a new dress and corset to wear to the promotion ceremony. Norrington is now a Commodore. While servants lace Elizabeth into the new fashion (“women in London must have learned not to breathe”: as someone who has worn a corset, yes, there is a fine line between holding you and being too tight, and they do making breathing and sitting more difficult) Will Turner, apprentice blacksmith waits downstairs. He presents Governor Swann with his order of a new sword for the promoted Commodore. Governor Swann is pleased and passes along his compliments; looking at Will’s face, we know that it was Will who made the sword, not his master, “a craftsman is always pleased to hear his work is appreciated.” Elizabeth arrives downstairs and is very familiar with Will; they’re friends. Will is aware of the status difference between the governor’s daughter and an apprentice blacksmith. But once she leaves for the ceremony it is also plain that Will is in love with Elizabeth Swann.

jack sparrow entrance We cut to Jack “sailing” into Port Royal; his little dingy is sinking, so not much actual “sailing.” While there is a big to-do going on up at the fort [in case anyone is interested, the fifes and drums are playing Rule Britannia at the start of the ceremony], he sneaks aboard the Dauntless, throwing the guards into a tizzy. When they ask his purpose in Port Royal and demand no lies, he informs them “it is my intention to commandeer one of these ships, pick up a crew in Tortuga, and raid, pillage, plunder, and otherwise pilfer my weaseley black guts out.” In the meantime, at the ceremony, Norrington speaks to Elizabeth. With this promotion, it throws light to the matter that he is not yet married to a fine woman. He views Miss Swann as a fine woman and wishes to marry her. The heat and confining nature of the corset take a toll on Elizabeth; she can’t breathe and passes out, falling over the edge and into the ocean. Norrington is cautioned to wait; it’s a miracle she missed the rocks. Jack and the guards see Elizabeth fall as well; the guards can’t swim so it’s up to Jack to rescue the damsel in distress. Underwater, the coin pulses and the wind changes. Jack must leave the gown behind to get Elizabeth to safety; once on the dock, he cuts away the corset when Elizabeth isn’t breathing…good thing he’s been to Singapore. Jack recognizes Elizabeth’s coin.

Norrington and his men have arrived and Governor Swann, seeing the nature of undress his daughter is in, wants to hang Jack. Elizabeth protests, he’s the man who saved her. Norrington offers congratulations, but reveals that Jack has been branded a pirate by the East India Trading Company and the tattoo marks him a Jack Sparrow. His effects include a pistol with a single shot and a compass that doesn’t point north. He is by far the worst pirate Norrington has ever heard of; “but you have heard of me.” When Elizabeth protests further, Norrington insists that “one good deed does not redeems a lifetime of wickedness.” With Elizabeth close to him, Jack holds her hostage and manages an escape.

He eventually finds himself in the blacksmith shop; the master is asleep. Jack sets about trying to break his manacles apart. A hammer doesn’t work, so he gets the wheel running and that does the trick. But Will has returned from his errands. He notices the hammer out of place and notices a strange hat. Before he can touch it, Jack slaps his hand away with a sword. The boy seems familiar, has he threatened him before? Will grabs his own sword and the duel plays out. At times it’s almost like a test; Jack compliments Will’s form and footwork. (The sword strikes seem to be timed perfectly to the soundtrack, or vice versa, anyway…it’s brilliant!) The pirate goes to leave, but Will throws his sword, hitting right under the lock so Jack can’t leave. He retrieves another sword and they’re back at it, around the wheel, onto a cart, and into the rafters.

smithy duel

It’s brilliant fight choreography: they got Errol Flynn’s sword master (in case it’s a genre you don’t watch, Errol Flynn is a famous swashbuckling actor from the Golden Age of Hollywood, most recognized for his portrayal of Robin Hood – I will be getting to that film not far in the future) Bob Anderson, who has also worked on The Lord of the Rings trilogy [he was working on the Hobbit trilogy when he died], several James Bond films, the original Star Wars films, and The Princess Bride. It’s creative, engaging, and shows off a lot of hard work. I love a good sword fight!

In the end, Jack cheats, pulling his pistol in an effort to get Will to let him leave. Will’s master sneaks up and knock Jack out as the soldiers arrive. Of course, he gets all the credit. That night, a dark ship sails into port and opens fire on the fort. The crew comes ashore and begins terrorizing the town. Will arms himself and joins the fray, fighting the pirates. Elizabeth’s maid urges her mistress to hide, while Elizabeth instructs her to run to the fort for help when she gets the chance. A band of pirates break into the governor’s mansion and two seek out Elizabeth; the gold calls to them. She’s got fire in her; she holds them off at one point with her bed warming pan and tries to pull out a ceremonial sword. She eventually invokes the right of “parlay,” which the Pirate Code allows her to speak to the captain.

Two of the other pirates find Jack in the dungeon. They remember him, but he’s supposed to be dead, they left him marooned. His comeback is that “the deepest circles of Hell are reserved for betrayers and mutineers.” One pirate’s hand turns to skeleton in the moonlight when he grabs Jack; “so there is a curse.”

Aboard the Black Pearl Elizabeth negotiates a cessation of hostilities with Captain Barbossa; “I want you to leave and never come back.” Barbossa is “disinclined to acquiesce to your request….means ‘no’.” Very well, she’ll drop the pirate medallion overboard. No! When Barbossa asks her name, Elizabeth gives them the surname ‘Turner.’ Barbossa agrees. But he doesn’t return Elizabeth. When she protests on basis of the Code, he responds that her return was not part of their bargain, she would need to be a pirate for the Code to apply, and ultimately, the Code is more of guidelines rather than rules.

The men of Port Royal discover that Elizabeth has been taken come morning. Will wants to rush right out, willing to even ask Jack Sparrow for help. On his own, he visits the pirate in jail. He offers to free the other man in exchange for help rescuing Elizabeth. Jack agrees only once he knows Will’s surname of ‘Turner.’ The pair sneaks aboard the Dauntless and when the Interceptor (the faster of the two ships) comes alongside so the British can board, they sneak over to that ship and sail away. Norrington pursues, willing to sink his own ship rather than have it in the hands of a pirate. Once safely away, Will asks Jack about his father; Jack had known that he was named for him. Aye, Jack knew William Turner, one of the few who knew him by that name, “everyone else just called him ‘Bootstrap’ or ‘Bootstrap Bill’.” Will’s father was a pirate, not the merchant sailor Will was meant to believe. Jack lets Will “hang around” with that information for a minute. The lad can either sail with a pirate or not, it’s his choice. Will agrees and they head for Tortuga.

The island draws inspiration from the original Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Jack is greeted by two women, both of whom slap him. He may have not deserved the first, but he probably deserved the second. They wake Mr. Gibbs and Jack buys the man a drink while he listens to a proposition. Jack is going after the Pearl; he has leverage now to convince Barbossa; Bootstrap Bill’s only child.

Aboard the Pearl, Barbossa hosts Elizabeth for dinner (it was either she dine with him in a dress he had onboard, or she dined with the crew, naked). When the captain encourages her to eat, Elizabeth fears the food may be poisoned. Barbossa admits they have no need to be killing her, yet. He tells her the tale of the gold coin she was wearing, cursed Aztec gold presented to Cortez to stop the bloodshed. Anyone who possesses one of the 882 pieces will be punished for eternity. The crew didn’t believe the curse and found the chest and spent it. Afterwards they came to realize that they are not living, so they cannot die, but neither are they dead. Moonlight reveals them for what they truly are, skeletal figures. Elizabeth is once again daring and brave and stabs Barbossa. Only it doesn’t affect him. They must reclaim all 882 pieces of gold, the last of which is the pendant, and repay the blood sacrifice. “You best start believing in ghost stories, Miss Turner. You’re in one.”

Jack is gleeful during a storm, they’re catching up to the Pearl. Will receives a few answers about Jack from Mr. Gibbs. He had originally been the captain of the Black Pearl, Barbossa had been his second mate. They’d gone after Cortez’s gold and Barbossa weaseled the location out of Jack. He led a mutiny and marooned Jack. The man apparently got off the island by wrangling a couple of sea turtles. The story ends there; it’s time for Will and Jack to go ashore. If the worst should happen, Gibbs and the crew are to hold to the Code: those who fall behind, get left behind. When Will comments there’s no honor amongst thieves, Jack points out, that although Will has a poor opinion on pirates, he’s well on his way to becoming one: he stole a ship from the Navy, sailed with a pirate crew, and is completely obsessed with treasure. “Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate.” They’ve found Barbossa and his crew, Elizabeth standing behind a chest. Jack instructs Will to stay put and don’t do anything stupid; they’re to wait for the opportune moment. Will does not trust Jack, so he knocks the pirate out and swims around.

Barbossa throws the coin into the chest and slices Elizabeth’s hand, letting droplets of blood fall on the pile. The crew doesn’t feel any different, so Barbossa shoots one. He’s not dead. The blood didn’t work. Barbossa turns on Elizabeth, demanding who is her father, was he William Turner. No. Barbossa backhands her and she falls down the pile of treasure. Will finds her and they escape, grabbing the medallion back. The crew starts turning on Barbossa, but he keeps order and sends them back after Elizabeth. They run into Jack, who mutters “parlay.” The two captains confer; Jack knows why Elizabeth’s blood didn’t work, and he knows whose blood Barbossa needs. He tries to wrangle a deal with Barbossa to get the Pearl back, but they’ve come up on the Interceptor.

interceptor vs pearl

Will wants to know why Elizabeth used his surname with the pirates; she doesn’t give an answer. In regards to why she took the medallion eight years ago, she didn’t want Will to be a pirate. Will continues to struggle with the knowledge that pirate blood runs in him. He’s above deck with the Pearl comes in sight. He suggests lightening the load so it gives them more speed. It works, for a little while, but the Pearl runs out the sweeps on the cannons for added speed. Elizabeth suggests the idea to drop the anchor on one side, demonstrating her knowledge of sailing as well; they’ll swing around and be able to broadside the Pearl. Barbossa also turns his ship, so both now have canons facing each other; the Interceptor loads theirs with whatever they can find. Explosions abound, pirates swinging on ropes, boarding the Interceptor; it’s all rather exciting! Will and Elizabeth realize the other crew is still after the medallion; Will goes for it. But a shot from the Pearl brings down the Interceptor’s mast and damages the hold below. The ship is taking on water. Jack escapes the cell on the Pearl and swings over to the Interceptor, helping Elizabeth against a pirate. But she’s taken, as is the medallion by Barbossa’s monkey (named Jack). The Interceptor‘s crew is taken hostage and the ship is left to explode. Elizabeth fears (and we do for a moment) that Will was killed in the explosion, but he managed to swim out in time.

He boards the Pearl and demands Elizabeth’s release. He is William Turner, son of ‘Bootstrap’ Bill Turner (the spittin’ image of ol’ Bootstrap, sent back to haunt them) and if Elizabeth does not go free, he’ll use Jack’s one shot pistol and be lost to the depths. Barbossa agrees, but Will failed to mention how Elizabeth was to be set free. She and Jack are forced on a gangplank and will be marooned on the same island Jack was on last time. When Elizabeth asks Jack if they can escape the same way he did last, he reveals that contrary to the popular myth of sea turtles, he actually had spent three days waiting for the rum runners who used the island as a cache and was able to barter passage. Elizabeth has the start of an idea. First, they light a bonfire and sing A Pirate’s Life for Me, getting Jack nice and drunk. When he wakes in the morning, it’s to the smell of smoke.

“You’ve burnt all the food, the shade, the rum.”

“Yes, the rum is gone.”

“Why is the rum gone?”

“One, because it is a vile drink that turns even the most respectable men into complete scoundrels. Two, that signal is over a thousand feet high; the entire royal navy is out looking for me. Do you really think there is even the slightest chance that they won’t see it?”

“But why is the rum gone?”

(There is a hilarious remix video that was made featuring this bit)

The Dauntless indeed finds Elizabeth. She pleads with her father and Norrington to go back and rescue Will; he turned to piracy to rescue her. Her final plea to Norrington is for him to do it as a wedding present. She’ll accept his proposal if he rescues Will. On board the Pearl, Will asks that crew for more information regarding his father. Old Bootstrap never agreed with how they turned on Jack; he sent his coin off to Will, saying the crew deserved to be cursed. So Barbossa tied a canon to his bootstraps and threw him in the ocean. Ironically, it was after that incident that they realized they needed his blood to lift the curse. Now it’s Will’s turn to spill blood; but he’s only half Turner, they plan to spill it all.

Jack’s plan is to go in, convince the pirates to come out, so the Dauntless crew can capture (or kill) them, rescue Will, and Norrington will be a hero. The flip side, when he sneaks in and talks to Barbossa, is for the pirates to attack, overtake the British and now Barbossa will have two ships, the start of his own fleet. Jack will take the Pearl, sail under Barbossa’s command and give the other captain a percentage of his plunder. And in exchange, Barbossa presumes, Jack wants him to not kill the whelp, Will. “No, by all means,” Jack scoops up a handful of coins, “kill the whelp,” but wait until every last of Norrington’s men are dead. Will sees Jack palm one of the coins and realizes that this was Jack’s plan all along. Barbossa agrees, but sends his men on a walk…underwater. They sneak aboard the Dauntless and start slaughtering [reminder, it is rated PG-13].

In the meantime, Elizabeth has snuck off the Dauntless and back to the Pearl to rescue that crew with the hopes that they’ll help her rescue Will. They’d rather stick to the Code and retreat, so she heads into the cave alone. Jack has managed to get a sword to Will, because “honestly, it’s the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they’re going to do something incredibly stupid.” Jack goes after Barbossa, and Will gets free and goes after the other pirates. Elizabeth arrives to snark “if you like pain, try wearing a corset” and help Will. At one point (in the completely epic fight sequence that again matches the rhythm of the soundtrack) Jack stabs Barbossa. Tsk, tsk, Barbossa can’t die, remember. So he stabs Jack. The other captain chokes for a moment, then backs up into the moonlight and reveals he too is a skeleton. By holding on to one of the coins, he now can’t die either. The old rivals are back at it. Will reads when the opportune moment is and heads for the chest; Jack throws his coin, with a bit of his blood on it. When Barbossa pulls a pistol on Elizabeth, a shot rings out. From Jack’s gun. Barbossa thinks he’s lucky for a second, then Will drops the gold into the chest. The wound is now mortal. He falls down, dead.

Norrington has made it back to the Dauntless and with the curse lifted, Barbossa’s crew is no longer immune. The ship is back in the hands of the British (I have no idea why Governor Swann tries to be cool and mimics punching a pirate). Inside the cave, Will and Elizabeth almost share a tender moment, but they’re interrupted by Jack’s noise. They must be getting back to the Dauntless, and Elizabeth’s fiancé. Will missed his opportune moment.

Back at Port Royal, Norrington prepares to hang Jack. Elizabeth feels it is wrong, but her father states that Norrington is bound by law. Will, in some fancy new clothes, realizes what he must do, as a good man (and some urging from seeing Cotton’s parrot). He announces to Elizabeth, Governor Swann, and Norrington, that he has always loved Elizabeth. Then he makes his way to the scaffold. Elizabeth faints again as a distraction and Will manages to throw his sword to relieve Jack’s hanging. The two fight alongside each other for a minute (there is an awesome flip from Orlando, or his stunt double), but are soon surrounded. He’d rather throw his lot in with Jack and be a good man; his place is between Norrington and Jack. Elizabeth joins him. Jack uses the distraction to say his farewells: he was always rooting for Norrington, things would have never worked out between him and Elizabeth and Will…nice hat. This is the day they almost caught…and he trips over the edge. The Pearl is waiting for him (they decided the Code was more of a guideline). Governor Swann philosophically states that “on the rare occasion, pursuing the right course demands an act of piracy. Piracy, itself, can be the right course.” Norrington decides to let Jack go; they can afford to give him one day’s head start. To Will, “I would expect the man who made (such a beautiful sword) to show the same care elizabeth and will kiss and devotion in every aspect of his life.” Essentially giving the new couple his blessing, and a warning; you hurt Elizabeth, I’ll kill you. Governor Swann is still a bit surprised at his daughter’s choice; after all, Will Turner is a blacksmith. “No, he’s a pirate.” She removes his hat and they share one of the best kisses ever! Music swelling, and I am swooning.

(There is an scene at the end of the credits, of the monkey sneaking back into the cave, stealing a coin, and turning back into a skeleton. He’s creepy.)

As I mentioned previously, this movie came out when I was in high school; it was a summer blockbuster that was fun and exciting. At that point, I wasn’t into Lord of the Rings quite yet, so I preferred Orlando Bloom in this role; the young, handsome hero who has a good soul and gets the girl. A story of how piracy could be cool; there’s two sides, Barbossa who wants to kill the innocent protagonists and Jack and his crew who want to keep people safe. And I already like swashbuckling films, so I was captivated by the sword fights. The soundtrack soon became a favorite of mine, with its driving rhythm. I’ve actually played selections from it twice, once in concert band and once at District Orchestra. It has also become a great running playlist for me (I ran Cross Country for six years in school), setting a good pace with some breathing spots.

Will Turner is my favorite character (yes, partly influenced by Orlando Bloom’s attractiveness). But he’s the hard working, respectful man that many women, including me want. The knight who was hasten to rescue the fair maiden, braving any dangers. Though Elizabeth earns points by taking matters into her own hands as well; she doesn’t sit idly by, she actively tries to escape more than once. She is the one to talk to the pirates to get them to leave. She manages to persuade everyone to do the right thing. Jack – he’s got too many plans going on for me to fully trust him, but by the end, we can see his heart is in the right place.

We’ll continue to dive into some of the other themes and plot points in the following two movies. I will save fanfic and music recommendations for the end of the original trilogy; I’ve seen the fourth and fifth installments and I don’t like them, so, I will instead put my focus into other series.

Questions? Comments? Your opinion on swashbuckling films?

Next Time: Dead Man’s Chest